Well, my last exam of my life was yesterday. Syntax. It sucked. So I’m feeling a little disappointed. Crossing my fingers that I can get good enough grades so that I can graduate with honours. Still wondering what I’m going to do if Universe pulls my CAP down. Way down. So, yeah, apart from disappointment and worry, I don’t think I feel anything at all that my uni, in fact, my entire educational life, has now come to an end. I don’t feel no different. Anyway, I’m officially unemployed. I think. I still haven’t quite wrapped my head round the need-to-get-a-job thing. Sigh. Life sucks.

Went for dinner after Syntax with my fellow classmates minus the grad students. Went to Holland V and at at some little restaurant place. It was average. Food took freaking long to arrive and we were all HUNGRY!!! Yeah. But the portions were huge. I’m seriously still full from it. Haven’t recovered from that meal. It was alright to begin with but it started to taste a bit tasteless when it cooled down some. Not sure if it was entirely worth it. After that, walked back to Buona Vista. Probably explains why I’m aching all over today cos I was wearing one of my killer heels. Hee! End of exams mah, thought I’d dress up a bit.

Wasted a whole evening’s worth of lifetime going to attend that meeting just now. Not going to bitch about it here, just in case. I have to practice discretion about stuff now that I’m going to enter the working world. Yeah. But basically I guess I feel that the more I’m trying really hard to get out, the more I’m getting sucked in. I mean, I really appreciate that people think that I’m doing a good job at whatever it is I’m supposed (or not supposed) to be doing. But I’ve been here so long already. I’m getting… well, bored isn’t really the right word but I can’t think of another at the moment. I’d like a change. You know.

Went out with some of the EL people today for lunch at Clark Quay. It was not bad. I enjoy hanging around with them though I’m usually just a silent shadow following. Ate moroccan food. It was an interesting experience. The entree reminded me of the strange stuff we ate in Russia. But it wasn’t mystery meat. It was chicken. Haha! But it was interesting. Can’t believe that after this we’re all going our separate ways. Kind of sad to lose friends like that. Hope we’ll all stay in touch somehow. Though I’m not sure cos I tend to find myself out of the loop in a lot of things. :p Oh, and I discovered my face still does that incredibly annoying blushing thing. Damn. I need to get a tan or something so I can hide it.

Oh by the way, in case you happen to see posts here then when you come back they’ve vanished, it’s cos I’ve been… writing stuff then changing my mind and deleting them. Yeah. Reason being, well, sometimes my posts really make no sense, even as I write them. So. Haha!

Oh yeah, I joined Twitter! Anyone else on Twitter? Cos I really don’t know what to do with it. Now I feel like I’m spying on Neil Gaiman cos his is the only Twitter feed that is active out of the few that I subscribed to. And it’s not as if I’m a HUGE fan of Neil Gaiman. Ok, his Sandman rocked and so did Neverwhere. Anyway, point is, let me know if you’re on Twitter cos it’d be nice to have friends on there and not random strangers and celebs.

Ok, I guess that’s all for now. I realy really REALLY wish I could stop time for a while. Slack to my heart’s content then get back to work. Still busy, despite exams being over. Church stuff. Choir stuff. I still haven’t gotten round to really learning the songs for Hangzhou (gasp!). Finding job stuff. Yuck. I’m exhausted. I feel tired and aching like I got beaten up. I miss Clay. Things haven’t been the same since he announced he is gay and Parker was born. Wishing things could always stay the same and not change. Change isn’t always for the better.

So, I’m supposed to be incredibly busy at this time of the semester. And I am but I figured out that the reason I feel so swamped is cos I keep procrastinating and doing stuff I’m not supposed to do. This weekend was… well, I suppose it could be considered productive from a certain point of view. Saturday I did Mie’s readings. I don’t think I remember any more what I read. Lol! Last set of readings for the semester. Yay! That took half the afternoon. In the morning I was fooling around online. I think I was playing on Facebook. Got this new application called Typing Race. Well, the title says it all. You type and you win ‘money’ that you can use to buy cars to race with. Haha! I’ve got a pretty maroon Volkswagen Golf now. Racing to save up for a Ferrari. Lol! See how much an addictive time waster it can be? Anyway, after Mie’s readings, I had this itch to watch Dr Who. I think it’s cos Cba’s been using her Dr Who signature on the board and I keep comparing David Tennant with Christopher Eccleston. Ok, technically they’re supposed to be the same character but I think each actor gives different aspects to the character. I prefer the Eccleston cos I think he’s cuter and seems more fun.

But then again, I haven’t watched Tennant’s Dr Who yet so I can’t really say. But I think Eccleston is funny. And cos the bro’s DVD set is Eccleston’s season so… Yeah. Watched like 4 episodes of Dr Who that I haven’t watched already with the bro. Pretty cool. And unusual that I had the itch for sci-fi. Love the British accents. And then the cousin came over for dinner and we watched Star Wars: Return of the Jedi in the evening.

Anyway, talking about watched a lot of shows, I did quite a lot of that last week. It’s amazing that I got ANYTHING done at all. Thursday I was watching Charlie Chaplin’s “The Circus” for Narrative project. It was pretty interesting actually. Usually silent films are exhausting (thank god I missed the class when they were showing Battleship Potemkin) but this was quite fun. Never watched a Chaplin film before. Friday I got out “The Lion King”. It was good except that Mum was sitting alongside and giving a running commentary on things totally unrelated to the film. Like hello?? Watching here! Anyway, remind me not to invite mum to watch movie with me next time. It totally spoiled my enjoyment of the film. Then like I already said, Saturday was sci-fi day.

Sunday was much more productive I think. Church in the morning. Fr Joseph had a darn long homily. Not entirely sure what he was talking about but it sounded like it made sense. Cliff played the “Because of Jesus” freaking high. Luckily Andrea cut it off after verse 1. We were like struggling. I couldn’t get the key. I think only Daryl managed it and even then, he jumped an octave lower in the second chorus. Then in the afternoon, I finally decided to get down to some serious work and did my write up on the Hubble Space Telescope. It was pretty fascinating. I always thought the Hubble was up there like forever but apparently it’s only been there since 1990. And it’s orbiting the earth really fast. I was wondering why but no where could I find the answer. Anyway, I crapped up my 600 words for my part. Maybe I’ll continue my topic of the Hubble for the individual essay. Like I said, it’s fascinating.

Then watched an episode of Ugly Betty online. Yes, I follow Ugly Betty when I can. The storyline’s interesting and of course, helps that there’s a new cute guy on the scene:

Betty’s new boyfriend Matt. They’ve been suggesting that he resembles Josh Groban. Maybe a little. But he’s cute and nice and endearingly awkward and rich. Haha! Oh well, time to stop gushing over him. Hehe!

Evening was productive too, as I hoped. I finished my Narrative essay! Yay! Hope it made sense. It’s entirely possible that it wouldn’t make sense. You know, I’m pretty sure that my getting an F in that film studies module essay has doomed me to abject insecurity every time I write an essay. I can never be sure that what I’m writing is correct or that it won’t earn me another F. Damn you. Made me neurotic!

A friend of mine says she’s been accepted for SEP next year. Omg! So lucky! You know, I thought I’d be over it by now but apparently I’m not. I’m still feeling very very sore that everyone else seems to be going/gone for exchange and I never was able to. I was doing stuff with my friend list on Facebook and I’m amazed to see the number of people who have overseas universities listed in their networks. It frustrates me. I have yet to meet someone like me, who applied numerous times but was never successful. Everyone else I know either got it or didn’t want to go in the first place. And they all say, oh the rest of my friends also got what they applied for. I’m jealous cos I know that now I’ll never have the chance to do it. Ever. It’s gone. Over. The family’s not helping either. They’re all, you wanna go exchange, should go somewhere better than NUS. And I’m like, the point of exchange is not to chalk up points for resume – although it might help, having overseas experience. Like I said, the point is to have experience of life overseas. Do you think a three month stint in exchange is really going to help? In any case, NUS’ partner universities, majority of them are ranked lower. Who decides ranking anyway??! It’s so arbitrary and subjective.

And since I’m on the topic of frustration, I think I figured out why that new ad on TV mobile about no smoking is pissing me off. For one, it’s freaking unrealistic. You think smokers are going to care? You’d be lucky they don’t punch you in the face when you tell them to stop smoking if they want to. They’d just walk somewhere else and smoke there. Or punch you in the face. Two, Singaporeans are so don’t-care types, you think they’d really go up to a smoker and remind them that smoking is prohibited in such and such a place? They’d be more worried about being labelled kaypoh, or punched in the face. Third, that little girl in the last scene is soooooooooo much a bad actress. Ok, the English version is slightly better. But the way she placed her word stress and all is just so FAKE! She’s like, “Uncle, you can’t smoke here now.” You can hear the stress on the “can’t” and the “now”. Which I think is very fake. What would make it sound more natural is if she stressed on “smoke” instead. So instead of “You CAN’T smoke here NOW.” make it “You can’t SMOKE here now.” And then there’s the Mandarin version which is really really REALLY fake! She says, “叔叔， 您不能在这里吸烟.” And the other sentence, “谢谢您不在这里吸烟.” The unnaturalness is the entire sentence. First, like I said, a kid that age will NOT under any circumstances go up to a complete stranger and say stop smoking. The guy’d ignore her or punch her. Then, no one says “叔叔” when they use Mandarin. It’s always “Uncle”. I’ll demonstrate when I bitch about another commercial later. And the “您”. *shudder* she overemphasises it, pronouncing “niNG”. It’s freaking unnatural because it breaks up the sentence so much. And who uses “您” anyway? And lastly, who says “吸烟” these days? It’s always “抽烟” isn’t it? It sounds more natural. So anyway, point is, that commercial is forced and painfully fake and artificial and I highly doubt it’s going to have ANY effect on people trying to enforce the no-smoking areas in SG.

And I was saying I have another commercial to bitch about. This one I have issues with the content, not with the acting. The acting’s quite natural. It’s Macdonald’s new ad for their sausage mcmuffin breakfast. I haven’t heard an English version yet, not sure if there is one cos the Mandarin version has English subtitles, unlike the above example. It’s a professional looking guy in a car going to a drive through window. This is the interaction:

Server: Mr Lim, 早！(Morning!)

Mr Lim:  早！(Morning!)

Server: 你的早餐。(Your breakfast) Hands over a Macdonald paper bag and coffee cup.

Mr Lim: 谢谢你 Auntie! (Thank you Auntie)

Server: 明天见, bye bye! (see you tomorrow, bye bye!)

Like I mentioned above, the codeswitching is what makes it so much more natural. Like the auntie doesn’t say “林先生” nor does the guy say “阿姨”. They use the English terms for the addressing. Anyway, that’s not the point. I was going to bitch about it. My issue with this is the implication that this guy eats Macdonald’s EVERYDAY for breakfast and… well, with all the hype going round about health and whatnot, is this the kind of message Mac wants to portray of themselves? Do they need another Super Size Me documentary? This time it’s very obvious that they’re pushing for the ‘eat Macdonald’s every day!’ message.

Um… oh my. I lost track of my train of thought. Anyway, you get the picture. These two ads are pissing me off everyday when I sit in the bus and see it all the time. I just had to bitch about it.

Alrighty. I should get back to work. But knowing me, I doubt I’ll get anything done until after lunch. But I think I’m in good shape now, assignments-wise. Just need to keep doing them and not let them pile up. Yup yup.

So it’s always the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Whatever that means. Today on the bus back home I felt like I’ve reached this point where I usually need to have a nice long rant on my blog about how much life sucks.

I guess it all started with this morning in EWL class. Well, maybe not quite started, but let’s say the cracks began forming then. We were talking about language ownership and whether anyone can really claim to have ownership of English in the context of English being such a global language and all that. So the article we were supposed to read dealt with Eurasians in Singapore and how they want English to be their Mother Tongue but the government refuses. Anyway, the class started out fine. Me and the year 4s were joking around till Wee came along and started class and that was fine too. He was in a pretty good mood, cracking jokes and all. Had the class laughing. Had nice long discussions about the topics. Then we were began the actual topic of language ownership and the year 3s were giving examples and stuff. It was ok for a while then it started to get very very repetitive and slightly irrelevant at times. Then this year 4 guy that’s notorious for this kind of stuff started talking. I’ve heard that he’s got this ‘talent’ for doing things like that but I never really noticed it till now. First, he made this long comment and gave his own example which ultimately was just a rephrasing of someone else’s earlier example. Then when Wee called him out on that – told him that that’s exactly what they were trying to illustrate – this guy changed tactics and in the end, rephrased the original question. Omg. At least Wee didn’t pander to him like Lazar did sometimes. Then the class went on to discuss the topic of the article and about the Eurasians and the bilingual policy in Singapore. Then there was this girl who suddenly (I don’t really remember what led up to it) made this comment about how she thinks that the whole issue of ethnicity is problematic anyway and starts questioning what it is to be an Eurasian and asking whether people of other mixed parentage can be considered Eurasians also. What pissed me off I suppose was that her tone was exactly “This is what I think and I don’t care what anyone else thinks”. And what definitely definitely pissed me off was that she got into this whole pointless debate over the definition of an Eurasian and ethnicy and race. What the hell! It’s supposed to be a linguistics class, not sociology. Go debate ethnicity there!

Yeah, the year 3s annoy the hell out of me. I don’t know why. They just do.

Anyway, meanwhile, went to the honors room where there was thankfully some of the year 4s goofing around in there. I suppose I wasn’t in the best of temperaments. Last night I attended a meeting in church where I (as a representative of my organisation) got quite vehemently scolded by another member of the meeting. Sure, he was totally justified in ranting and clearing his system of his anger at us. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t irritate the hell out of me, especially when I’m not one of the guilty parties. At least, to the best of my knowledge, I’m not. I’m not responsible for what other people in my organisation (or associated with my organisation) do. But as the representative there, I just kept quiet and took the damn scolding already. Experience tells me that if I just shut up and let him rant on, it’ll be over much more quickly than if I try to contradict him. I don’t know how come I end up taking the blame for a lot of stuff around here. Like the upset over carolling, or whenever the slides screw up. How come I’m like a magnet for people to complain to? I’m getting really tired of trying to play hero everytime people want one. It’s tiring and it’s not like I’m particularly religious or whatever. I’m getting really really sick of all this.

Talking about not being in the best of temperaments, I’m still a bit put off by the other day’s 3211 presentation. I really hate it that I couldn’t have done better. It really wasn’t my best and I feel that me and my group mate was so unprepared. I guess, after Lazar’s one hour presentation last year, I’ve grown kind of used to doing it on my own but with material that I know well enough. It was a tough class this time. I don’t know the people. Don’t know what makes them talk or not. And being the third group of the day to present was not good. People get bored, especially since we had a quiz about the readings and basically, they know everything they already need to know. It was just a waste of time.

And I wanted to stargaze but I couldn’t cos it wasn’t quite safe where it was dark enough to see stars and it wasn’t dark enough, nor enough sky space where it was safe to stare at the sky. Irritated cos I really wanted to try and see the constellations we’ve been learning about in Astronomy.

Then choir. Today was exhausting. On one hand, I wish I could’ve skipped it. Gone out with the EL-ers and drink. On the other, I couldn’t have skipped cos I’m really so far behind. They had auditions during the sectionals. I had to sing a section of Requiem and Little Birds. Little Birds went ok but Requiem… I’m really disappointed with myself. It didn’t help that that part I was asked to sing was just the bit that was a little out of my range. So my voice started warbling and shaking and… like I said, I was very ashamed of myself. I’m supposed to be the most senior of them all and I don’t understand why, after all these years, I still can’t rely on my voice to stay good when I need it to be. Nelson came down and did combined for the first half songs. It was ok. Still don’t know how the hell I’m going to memorise it all by next week. After Nelson left, we all got scolding from Nad about discipline and what have you. And we had to stay till 10 to finish the auditions, regardless if you’d already been auditioned or not. After that, they had us all go outside and sing birthday song for someone. I’m not in a reasonable mood at the moment. Choir was supposed to officially end at 9.30pm. That’s what I signed up for. I allow that when we’re in a fix like we are now, it’s ok to extend until 10pm. But like just now, it went all the way till 10.30pm with no sign of stopping – I just walked away, the rest of them were still playing and hanging around – that’s just too much. For the record, this is my blog and I’ll be as unreasonable and selfish as I like on it. Just because you may live in and around the school doesn’t mean everyone else does. Just because you can afford to take a cab or drive doesn’t mean everyone else can. Just because you don’t have class the next day doesn’t mean other people don’t have too. Just because you can get by with 3 hours of sleep per night doesn’t mean everyone else can. I know the choir folks are trying to be nice but there has to be a limit. Some people have to worry about catching the last bus home, worry about an early morning class, worry about not having eaten dinner. I don’t mind staying back to perfect the singing. But there was nothing of the sort. The singing finished at 9.40pm and the rest of the time was wasted waiting for the auditions to finish and then for this asinine thing. I’m sorry SH, it’s not your fault, and Happy Birthday (if you’re reading this).

So I rushed off and caught the 10.30pm bus back. The last time I caught that late bus was 2 years ago when I was still in the choir committee and having to stay back for meetings and all. At least the bus was empty so I had a seat to myself. Which was good cos I was balancing my heavy bag (yet another cause of annoyance. There’s really nothing in it that explains why it’s so heavy), my file and my laptop. There wasn’t much to complain about the 151 really. It was really fast and I reached Macpherson a while before 11pm. It was the bus back into the estate that pissed me royally. From a distance, I thought it was full cos it looked like there were people all squished up front and I resigned myself to having to do acrobatics to keep my balance and keep my laptop from crashing to the floor. But as the bus pulled up the bus stop, I was royally pissed to see that the congestion in the bus was in the first quarter of the bus. The remaining 3/4 of the bus was fucking empty! Omg. I wish I was the type that doesn’t feel shy about showing her feelings. I was so tempted to yell “Move the hell in!!!!” Not that it would have made a difference I think. It was some Indian foreign worker and some China looking girl with a huge suitcase blocking the aisle. Anyway, I managed to push my way in but the other guy who had boarded the bus with me was left standing on the steps. Omg. Can’t the bus driver do something? He’s the one with the legitimate authority to order people to move in. And it was OBVIOUS that people really needed to move in. I know he knew about it. I saw him surveying the situation. What kind of thing is this? Even if it’s late and he wants to get moving soon, it’s still his job isn’t it? Even if it’s not explicitly stated in his job description, doesn’t he think it’s only right to ask people to move in, especially when there’s plenty of room and means that someone standing on the steps might have some place solid to hang on to when the bus moves? Don’t know what the bus company does with the money we pay them. Service gets worse and worse each day.

And I’ve been feeling rather left out the last few weeks. Not that I didn’t have a hand in it myself. But for when someone agrees to something then behind my back does something else and I find out, and it excluded me when they orignally agreed to include me… I’d say never mind but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to think about it. To be excluded because I’m not one of the ‘in’ crowd. I don’t dress in fashion, I’m not top honours student, I’m not witty or clever, I don’t drink or hang out in clubs. It’s upsetting to know that maybe because I always turn down the invitations, they don’t bother to include me anymore. I mean, you know, I may say no, but it’s always nice to just ask. Makes me feel less unwanted in a way.

I’m stressed out and it’s not even the time of the semester when stress starts kicking in yet. Now if you’d excuse me, I’m off to go cry myself to sleep and count the hours till I have to make myself wake up and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

Now if there's a smile on my face
It's only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that's quite a different subject
But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Really I'm sad, oh I'm sadder than sad
You're gone and I'm hurtin' so bad
Like a clown I pretend to be glad

Now there's some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown, when there's no one around
Uh hum, oh yeah baby

Now if I appear to be carefree
It's only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don't let my show convince you
That I've been happy since you
Decided to go, oh I need you so
I'm hurt and I want you to know
But for others I put on a show, ooh yeah

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the public eye
But in my lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there's no one around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there's a smile on my face
Don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don't let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don't care
When really I'm sad…I’m hurting so bad…

Disclaimer: The contents of this post are my personal opinion and don’t reflect on anyone else and is not intentionally defamatory or insulting to anyone involved.

Well, yesterday’s 9am mass went smoothly. Attendance seemed to increase closer to 10am though. Lol! There were 2 bats hanging outside the choir room. Cute little bats. FK took a badminton racket to whack them down and give them to someone to make soup with though. LoL! We finally can use the air con in the room again, thank god. The place is boiling without it. Anyway, was in church by 8am to warm up. It went ok but don’t know why my voice like must constantly sing. The minute it falls dormant for a while it gets un-warmed up again. Sucks. Or maybe cos I just didn’t do my little visualisation exercise that I used to do and so froze a little at the stand. Anyway, I think I could have sung better.

Ronald had put together his choir again for 10.30am. Interesting. But you know what’s getting me a little ticked? Isn’t it bad enough that we were relegated 9am without anyone asking us – and btw, looking at the 10.30 choir yesterday, none of them lives far away what!!! Unless Ronald and his wife, cos I don’t know where they stay. Anyway, mum had to attend 10.30 mass too and she was inevitably comparing choirs. And sad to report that she said that Ronald’s choir is FAR better than ours. Come on people! We have to improve ourselves!!!! The church has changed since 2 years ago. We can’t still be at the same standard we were 2 years ago!!!) But you know what made me really really ticked off? Mum reported that FK is going to make 10.30 the main mass. It feels like he’s just brushing us aside again. I mean, Ronald was the one who left the Sunset mass in a lurch years ago when he decided to quit because he argued with the wardens, thereby forcing Paul and Val to step into his place and build their choir from scratch. Why is FK favouring him? We were the main mass choir before. We stuck around and did our duty and tried not to antagonise anyone and tried to do more than our duty (LC and all that). It kind of hurts that we seem to be brushed off like this again (first time was with the youth group, whole other story). I’m fine that we don’t get credited or what but at least acknowledge our presence as church entities for a while. You don’t have to sing our praises – all that gaining merit crap that young people find hard to swallow because of the nature of the world these days. The very least you could do was ask our opinion regarding this. Not only did you not do that, you told us to lay off (read: kick out) our members who are in the cathecism classes because it’s not their fault that their class times clash with church time.

I don’t know. This new timing sucks logistically too. There’s only one room and two choirs who need to use the room. We get the room before mass and after mass. Our practice is after mass. Say we start around 10.30 cos the other choir needs the room for warm ups and all that. No problem. At around 12, the other choir also wants the room for their practice and we have to give it up whether we’re done or not. 1.5 hours is not enough to learn anything much, especially when it’s one ‘teacher’ to at least 10 of us. I feel like it’s too touch-and-go. Of course, compared to what Narisa told me about her choir only having 20 minutes to practice, 1.5 hours seems good but, Narisa’s choir is also good enough to perform a classical mass. Are we to that standard?

You could say I’m a tad jealous. There, I admitted it. We were the best. But I’m not so sure any more. Anyway, point is, Jubilate choir is getting complacent. We’re falling back into being a bunch of karaoke champions but not choristers. Something has to be done, though I don’t know what yet. I really think we need to brush up (read: improve by leaps and bounds) our vocal techniques. We’re trying but I think that at this point, we’re focusing on the wrong things. This is a CHOIR. What’s important is the singing and the music. Everything else is secondary. Btw, I’m a little ticked about something we discussed at the meeting just now. I thought just now (but couldn’t explain myself so I didn’t say it) and still think that we should not background vocal training as a primary objective of the camp. It should be high up on our objectives. None of us practice outside of practice time (well maybe 99% of us don’t, I’m sure) so the only time we can do anything choir-ish is during choir time.  Vocals are THE most important part of a choir. I tried to teach techniques 2 years ago but obviously they aren’t being utilised anymore (which ticks me off too cos they really do help). Bonding and all that is nice but it’s not the most important thing. If we make that the most important thing then we might as well be the youth group. We should not compromise on being a choir just so that we can all be BFF. And I’m sorry I’m saying this only now on my blog if you people are reading this. It’s just that the reflections brought up this thought with me.

As a chorister, I am very very vexed when I’m told my choir is not sounding good. And face it, I’ve been denying it for a while now but I know that our choir is moving backwards. Unfortunately because I stepped down as leader, it isn’t my place to insist on anything like that. I promised myself 2 more years with this choir then I’ll stop worrying about them and go join something else to worry about. 10 years is more than enough for me to take. I’ve given what I can to this choir already. I may feel like I want to give more but I can’t. Technically I know I have more to give but I don’t know how to give it and that’s my problem. I can’t tell if they’re singing flat or sharp or wrong placement or wrong technique or whatever. I don’t know how to teach them the way Wei Wei/Yan Ting/Terrance/Adyll/Ruben taught me. (Notice I didn’t say Nelson because I didn’t learn much from Nelson these three years except how to show up at the right times and be nitpicky about stuff) So what that I’m in NUS Choir? I’m not the best singer there. Heck, I may even be one of the worse. Stop comparing! It’s frustrating. And here I go, worrying about Jubilate Choir again. Dang.

Oh look. What I wanted as a short post turned into a thousand word rant about church and choir. Didn’t mean for that to happen but it happens. One thought leads to another and…well, you see the result above.

To other news. Omg! I can’t believe there’s only 2 weeks more to Russia!!!!! It feels surreal. It feels like there’s like a lot of time. 2 more weeks and we’ll be off. Ohmygod!!!!!! So excited!!!! Haha! I guess we’re kind of ready, assuming that we don’t pull another thing like we did on Saturday. Oh yeah, MJ choir’s flying off to Olomouc tomorrow. Why didn’t we have such nice things during my time huh? All we went to was Genting Highlands Malaysia. Which wasn’t bad. It was just…Genting Highlands Malaysia. Anyway, I’m really glad I get to go somewhere with NUS choir. Hope MJ does well.

Clay’s in ‘trouble’ again. By the looks of things, he was leaving an event when a paparazzi guy stuck a camera in his face and kept asking questions about the baby. And it looked like Clay put out a hand and covered the lens of the camera. Of course, for all we know he might have smacked the camera such that it broke or something but I don’t know. And the board’s buzzing about how Clay ‘attacked’ a reporter – vented out his frustrations on him – something like that. Hmm…well. Clay, Clay. Whatever are we to do with you. You could have just said “No Comment” and walked away. But then again, it must have been hard and Clay could have been at the end of his tolerance so he ‘lashed out’ as it were. Oh well. I will not judge him for something that I think he must have been longing to do for a long time. Still waiting for a statement by the way, in case you’re reading this Clay. I’m still a fan no matter what. I came for the music and I’m still here cos of the music. The new cd’s great by the way. It’s really growing on me. I think it’s Clay’s best so far.

And I think that’s enough bitching for one night don’t you think? Go to sleepy soon and see what drama tomorrow will bring.

Well, just got back from this event at Expo. It was fun! It’s supposed to be a praise and worship thingy, an evening of celebrating Jesus. However, I guess you gotta be in the know to be able to do that. ie, know all the songs that they’re singing. Cos to me, it was very much like a rock concert. With a little ’sermon’ in between about how wonderful worship is. Yeah. In the 2 hours, I only knew 2 songs – Here I am to Worship and *drumroll* One Way Jesus. Yeah. Omg! They sang that song that I both love and hate. And Tim Hughes sang it. Wow. I never knew.

Anyway, met up with Ferdy and some CSS people that I don’t know but were nice enough to get priority tickets for me and Narisa. Charlotte also came with us. Priority means you just get to go in earlier than those without and get better seats. Pretty much ok. We took up an entire row. Haha! The Max Pavilion is really cool. Really like a rock hall. No wonder people like City Harvest so much. More on that later but anyway, the thing started at 8pm, half hour late cos they were trying to pack in as many people as possible. It was almost full house, maybe three or four rows right at the back that were left empty. Age range was pretty interesting too. There were toddlers there all the way up to old aunties and uncles (ang mohs).

So. Don’t know much more to say. Planetshakers’ attempt at modifying the Ole Ole chant into O Praise Him, Jesus, Jesus was a little tacky. Lol! Only way I can describe it is – rock concert. Picture all the bright lights with cool effects swinging all over the place. 4.5 huge projector screens. Smokey atmosphere on stage. Then the LOUD music!!! Especially the drums. Omg. Love the drum rhythms. Could feel the bass pounding in my throat. Gosh. Poor Lala was covering her ears most of the time cos she found it too loud.

Yeah. Didn’t sing too much cos, like I said, I didn’t know the songs. Ferdy was harmonizing during Here I am to Worship. Lol! Interesting to note was that while a lot of people around us (especially crazy secondary school girls behind us) were jumping round like crazy, dancing and waving their hands round like crazy too, our row of Catholics were quite still. Sure, we jumped sometimes but like very very very little of the time. It was fun though. You know me. I prefer to soak in the atmosphere of the event rather than actually participate in it. (I did participate in this one.)

Well, if this is representative of what they do in Protestant services, I doubt I’ll be crossing over any time soon. I mean, it was fun and it was nice as a rock concert. But I didn’t feel the ‘god’ part in it. It was more of having a good time and enjoying yourself with the music rather than actual worship – at least, the kind of worship that I’m used to. Oh and there was this lyric that I found strange. They were singing all the ‘titles’ of Jesus, like, Blessed Redeemer, Exalted King… And then suddenly there came “Bright Morning Star”. (^.-) Uhh… That sounds strange in context of Jesus. I thought that theologically, that is a title for Mary. But anyway, not going to nitpick at their song writing skills. The two artistes that sang tonight were great in their own rights.

All in all, this being my first large scale worship session since Shine Jesus Shine at least 5 years ago, it was pretty enjoyable. I like how they tried to turn it away from being a mere rock concert and incorporating sharing sermons, some praying and ‘reflection’ stuff. So, it worked alright and I enjoyed my evening very much.

Well, haven’t had much time/motivation to blog for real the past few days.

Monday, was falling asleep in Grammaticalisation (what’s new?). Hope Dr Zieglier doesn’t blacklist me cos of it. I can’t help it. It’s such a sleeping-pill class.

Tuesday had to hand in the Psycholinguistics proposal. I distinctly heard Dr Oh say that she forgot that it was due today when one of the other groups went to hand it into her. Dang. Why’d they have to remind her?? Lol! Anyway, we finished it.

Wednesday. For some strange reason, Prof Talib didn’t show up for class. Usually he’s like 10 minutes early cos he likes to have time to set up his many gadgets. This day, he wasn’t here at 1pm. So we waited. And waited. And waited. By 1.30pm he still didn’t show up. Sri Ganesh phoned him but no reply. So we decided to go. Dammit. Wasted my travelling time to come to school just to sit and stone in class for half hour. Lol!

Thursday, skipped class for the Chrism Mass. First, I woke up with a hacking cough and yellow phlegm. Yuck! My voice was completely off. Omg. Haha! But anyway, the mass went pretty well and everyone was happy with the choir. Probably the first and last time I see St Stephen bursting at the gills with people. Seriously. The whole place was packed. Even the choir loft and the aisles along the window was full of people standing. They even set up chairs behind the organ. Woah!!! But the choir was good. Even Khoo said that there were many priests complimenting the choir. Haha! Felt good. Even if we were forgetting our parts half hour before mass was due to start, to the point that Val was saying, don’t do the parts if you can’t get it right. But we got it. Hee! Then, there was the Maundy Thursday mass in the evening. Freaking surprised that I still had voice for that. Mum says that she heard me loud and clear. Oops. Andrew came back from NS. Haha! He looked pretty smart in his uniform.

Today Good Friday. Nothing much. Did the psalm for mass. Thank god my voice held. Straining all the way lor. I think I was going sharper and sharper. :p But it worked out I guess. Haha! Apparently Ah Ma attended the 3pm mass. Told mum that she should’ve come for the 6pm. Not only was there less people, Eugene Vaz celebrated.

Oh well, that’s life. Not looking forward to going back to school on Monday. Why’d someone have to invent something so mundane as school?

Oh, watched Shall We Dance. Gosh. It’s shows like this that make me feel like I wanna take up dancing. I do. Ballroom dance is like so elegant. Latin dance is like so passionate. I’m not gonna touch hip hop/modern/ballet dance cos I think I’ll be hopeless in that. But dances with fixed steps, that’s cool! Maybe I’ll go looking for one in the hols at some CC somewhere. Hmm…

So. There goes the mid semester break. I didn’t accomplish much. Sadly. Sort of, like 90% finished my 2 cinematic discourse essays. I think they suck. So not up to standard. No readings done. slacked till like mid week.

Oh man, I think I’m losing my voice again. Today was an interesting day for singing. I NAILED MY PSALM!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! Of course, it helped a lot that today’s psalm was one that I’ve been wanting to sing for ages. AND it’s a nice tune. Haha! So yeah. I got that.

Then there’s the practice for the Chrism mass. Omg! Still can’t wrap my mind around it that it’s gonna be held in SS this year. I’m the freaking only representative of 10am choir in there. *rolls eyes* We SO need a dose of spicing up. The hymns are freaking B-O-R-I-N-G! The only fun song (IMO) is “Laudate Dominum” the Eucharistic Congress one. And we’re singing the chorus of that one in Latin.

Paul was showing the video of his baby son awake at 1am. So cute! haha! very active and vocalising at 3 months. Wow.

The choir is freakin small lah (only about 20). Me, Marion and Marion’s friend Claire are the only three youths. Ther rest are the older ones. It’s SO not going to look nice on the day. And I’m really worried about the standard of singing. I don’t know what Valerie’s hearing from up front, but from where I am, it’s pretty scary. Everyone’s just blasting and there’s that distinctive ”auntie” singing voice coming through. Know what I mean? It’s not blending right and not sounding nice. But that’s just me.

K. The comp is lagging like crazy cos I’m running some programme right now. So, I’ll stop blogging for now. Haha! Back to school tomorrow. Choir too. Hehe!

Oh, and there goes another friend who’s gone overseas to study. This one in NZ.  Omg. Jealousy flairs again. And she’s gone overseas to realise her dream. *sigh*

Well, at this very moment, I’m super PISSED!!!!!! Why? Cos my new and very expensive Norton 360 All-In-One Security is suddenly telling me that my ‘trial period’ is ended and I need to activate my product. And when I click activate, it says it’s activated but it also says “0 days of subscription remaining”. What the Fuck! I AM NOT USING A TRIAL PRODUCT!!!!! I PURCHASED THE FULL PRODUCT FOR ONE YEAR’S SERVICE!!!!!!!

DAMN YOU SYMANTEC!!!!!!!!

grrr… So, I have no idea what’s happening now but it better get it’s act together! Oh ya, I checked my online Symantec account and it says that I’ve got subscription till the end of 2008. It’s only the beginning of 2008 right??!

Anyway…don’t know if I still got the mood to blog about the other things I wanted to blog about after my hissy fit with Norton.

One of my best friend’s grandmother died today. I don’t really know what to say. I don’t think I’ve ever met her grandmother. But I know she was close to her. And it was a shock. Only a few days ago we were talking about her grandmother and then now…dang. Life is short. There’s a lot of people dying lately. Why? Like, there have been three consecutive funerals now at my house void deck and one I saw yesterday at church. Strange. Maybe it’s cos we’re all getting older, that people we used to know growing up are all growing old and going too. Hmm…

Don’t wanna talk about stuff like that late at night. Gives me the creeps. Let’s talk about nicer things. Nick and Verena are getting married in one week. Omg! How must that feel?? Went to St Mary’s for their wedding rehersal just now. St Mary’s is BEAUTIFUL at night! Wow!!!! A lot of the choir people were suddenly saying want to get married at St Mary’s too. Lol! It’s gonna be so surreal seeing the people we know getting married. Oh man, the big scary unknown of the future. I can’t imagine myself getting married. Heck, I can’t even imagine myself with a boyfriend.

Anyway, today at mass, Fr EV was talking stuff again. I tell you, he’s gonna be another one who’s gonna get on my nerves sooner or later. He’s going on about the evils of society because of godlessness and not putting god in the center of everything. Like the other day, he was saying, people’s namecards have all these designations and titles on it but the one very important one that is missing is: “Child of God”. My response: You think a professional businessman would put “Child of God” on his professional business namecard?? He’d get laughed out of business by his peers. I don’t think it’s so much godlessness but it’s more of a…knowing when to use the right title at the right time. In the world of business, it’s appropriate to have all those titles and qualifications and “Child of God” is simply not appropriate. I know, there’s a lot more to this argument but I don’t want to go into it here. And then today…he was picking fault with the use of the word “star” to describe celebrities. He’s like, what kind of “star” are they? What do they symbolise or lead people to do? (Btw, today’s Ephiphany, feast of the 3 wise men who followed the star to find Jesus). So he’s like, these so called stars don’t lead people to god so why do we call them stars?? *rolls eyes* He was a bit more fanatical but I don’t really remember it. Semantics. Geez. This guy together with the Fr SP are gonna be blacklisted in my mind pretty soon. (Ok, Fr SP is already blacklisted long ago.) I don’t care how good they are as priests, as soon as they get fanatical in this kind of way and starts blaming all of society’s ills on lack of religion, I’m out of here.

So. Ya. I don’t know what else to talk about.

Oh ya, something interesting. I was watching something on youtube a few weeks ago and I posted a comment asking a question about something. And there was this person who answered me with a very rude reply, calling me “ignorant”. So I was feeling bitchy and I answered back: “There’s no need to be rude.” And guess what??! Today I saw that this fellow replied me back and apologised!!!!! *jaw drops* My faith in humanity is restored. Lol!! Only in cyberspace will I have the guts to do such a thing.

Well, the maid’s gone. She made the fatal mistake of arguing with Ah Ma. Matter of time lah, according to the rest of my family. She’s too street smart for her own good here. Personally I got no comment. Everyone else seems glad that she’s gone.

And apparently there’s (FINALLY) a new priest posted to SS. Fr Bryan something. Singaporean. Used to be at IHM. A YOUNG PRIEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally someone who’s not above 60 years. Hope he’ll be here for a while (like >1 year). Haha! Feels strange that the Fr Khoo era will soon be over. Wonder what the next 10 years at SS will bring. Hmm…

Mass was interesting today. Had a ‘youth mass’ with Fr Gerard Louis. He’s a pretty cool priest I must say. Sort of an exam mass and Fr was saying something like it doesn’t really matter cos he failed his O-levels and now he’s a priest. *rolls eyes* So. We should all become religious next time cos that’s what happens to people who suck in studies. Haha! Khoo was being his usual lor-sor self as usual. But all in all, this mass wasn’t too bad. Enjoyed the homily for once in a long long time. I like this priest. He’s more open minded than the other Indian youth priest.

Emily’s birthday party this afternoon. Nice place Whitewater condo. Unfortunately me and Sumi went all the way round the the main entrance at the guard house rather than ’sneak’ in through the side gate. Not Emily’s fault cos she actually told us beforehand to use a side entrance. Forgot lah. :p Long time no see some of the girls there. Emily’s changed a lot! She cut her hair!!! I almost didn’t recognise her lor! But she looks nice. I like her dress. She’s smaller than I remembered her to be. But then again, maybe I just got fatter. Lol! Some of the 4/6 people were there. Joanne, Jeanette, Huiling, Chia Hui, Angelina, Sabrina. Then there was Zaidah and Jasmine. Some of Emily’s other friends also there. Wish we could have mingled a bit more but we got caught up in watching “Raise your Voice” in the air-conditioned clubhouse.

That was a nice movie. Starring Hilary Duff. I kinda expected it to be some lame chick flick (cf Britney Spears’ Crossroads). But, it wasn’t really. I kinda liked it. Ok, I liked it. It’s all the angst that I just love in plots, coupled with music and the sweet fairytale dreams thing. It was nice. That Jay was pretty good looking despite his fake English accent (it was really Australian. Who’s Hollywood trying to kid? Crazy Americans who can’t tell the difference?). That girl Sloane was such a goth chick. So cool the way she plays the piano. And the music teacher Mr Torvald. *gasp* omg! I think he’s hot. Like Aragorn kind. Kind of like how I imagined Prof Lupin to be like. haha! My favourite character. And then there was the other music teacher Mr Wesson who’s like some Nazi sadist. Scary sia, the way he struck the pitch pipe and then expected Hilary Duff to identify the note. Or to sightread some scary looking song. Anyway, point is, I liked that movie. 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Anyway, just wrote out the “to do” list for this mid sem break. Shit! I realise that the one of utmost importance is the history essay. I am SO screwed. I suddenly feel so lagging. So, tonight might be the last time I’m updating in a week. Next week I have to really try and catch up. Lots of readings to do. Suddenly Dr Hislop is my favourite lecturer. Know why? Cos his essay is due in November and I’m up to date with his readings and he’s given us no holiday assignments. Fuck, love that guy! Why can’t all lecturers be like him??! Oh well, my bad for procrastinating so much. But there’s so much that’s more fun to do than study. :p And, like Fr Gerard Louis said this morning, what’s the worse that could happen? You fail only what!

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Now playing: Loreena McKennit – The Highwayman
via FoxyTunes