Well, my last exam of my life was yesterday. Syntax. It sucked. So I’m feeling a little disappointed. Crossing my fingers that I can get good enough grades so that I can graduate with honours. Still wondering what I’m going to do if Universe pulls my CAP down. Way down. So, yeah, apart from disappointment and worry, I don’t think I feel anything at all that my uni, in fact, my entire educational life, has now come to an end. I don’t feel no different. Anyway, I’m officially unemployed. I think. I still haven’t quite wrapped my head round the need-to-get-a-job thing. Sigh. Life sucks.

Went for dinner after Syntax with my fellow classmates minus the grad students. Went to Holland V and at at some little restaurant place. It was average. Food took freaking long to arrive and we were all HUNGRY!!! Yeah. But the portions were huge. I’m seriously still full from it. Haven’t recovered from that meal. It was alright to begin with but it started to taste a bit tasteless when it cooled down some. Not sure if it was entirely worth it. After that, walked back to Buona Vista. Probably explains why I’m aching all over today cos I was wearing one of my killer heels. Hee! End of exams mah, thought I’d dress up a bit.

Wasted a whole evening’s worth of lifetime going to attend that meeting just now. Not going to bitch about it here, just in case. I have to practice discretion about stuff now that I’m going to enter the working world. Yeah. But basically I guess I feel that the more I’m trying really hard to get out, the more I’m getting sucked in. I mean, I really appreciate that people think that I’m doing a good job at whatever it is I’m supposed (or not supposed) to be doing. But I’ve been here so long already. I’m getting… well, bored isn’t really the right word but I can’t think of another at the moment. I’d like a change. You know.

Went out with some of the EL people today for lunch at Clark Quay. It was not bad. I enjoy hanging around with them though I’m usually just a silent shadow following. Ate moroccan food. It was an interesting experience. The entree reminded me of the strange stuff we ate in Russia. But it wasn’t mystery meat. It was chicken. Haha! But it was interesting. Can’t believe that after this we’re all going our separate ways. Kind of sad to lose friends like that. Hope we’ll all stay in touch somehow. Though I’m not sure cos I tend to find myself out of the loop in a lot of things. :p Oh, and I discovered my face still does that incredibly annoying blushing thing. Damn. I need to get a tan or something so I can hide it.

Oh by the way, in case you happen to see posts here then when you come back they’ve vanished, it’s cos I’ve been… writing stuff then changing my mind and deleting them. Yeah. Reason being, well, sometimes my posts really make no sense, even as I write them. So. Haha!

Oh yeah, I joined Twitter! Anyone else on Twitter? Cos I really don’t know what to do with it. Now I feel like I’m spying on Neil Gaiman cos his is the only Twitter feed that is active out of the few that I subscribed to. And it’s not as if I’m a HUGE fan of Neil Gaiman. Ok, his Sandman rocked and so did Neverwhere. Anyway, point is, let me know if you’re on Twitter cos it’d be nice to have friends on there and not random strangers and celebs.

Ok, I guess that’s all for now. I realy really REALLY wish I could stop time for a while. Slack to my heart’s content then get back to work. Still busy, despite exams being over. Church stuff. Choir stuff. I still haven’t gotten round to really learning the songs for Hangzhou (gasp!). Finding job stuff. Yuck. I’m exhausted. I feel tired and aching like I got beaten up. I miss Clay. Things haven’t been the same since he announced he is gay and Parker was born. Wishing things could always stay the same and not change. Change isn’t always for the better.

Sucky day but the evening’s been alright so far. Let’s go chronologically. First, had to wake up early for 9am exam. First day of the exams for me. Some people have already finished theirs. :p So, me was tired. Then, my contacts refused to stay put. I had to insert them like 5 times at least before they finally stayed. So that was annoying. Left the house at 7. As usual, got to Macpherson road to wait for 151. It came but I didn’t like the first bus. It was crowded, one of those new buses and I hate the driver (he drives freaking slow). So I waited for the next bus and was all yay! cos it was a double decker bus. It was ok until around Bukit Timah area when someone got on and fell asleep next to me and began to encroach on my space and these kind of people always do. So was annoyed. Thank goodness, he got off at the poly. THEN! After the police training centre area, there was this huge jolt and crash. Turns out, the bus crashed with a car. Nothing major. Just a very dented bumper for the car and a cracked windshield for the bus. But we all had to get out and walk to the next stop and wait for the next bus. Which took damn long to arrive. Mean time, the sky was getting darker. The next bus arrived. It was a single deck bus. So all had to squeeze in. And then it started to rain. Like those really annoying heavy rains and all. After the UCC stop, going up the hill, suddenly, this taxi tried to cut in to get to the other side of the road and almost caused yet another accident! The  bus driver was horning at him long after he drove off. Can you imagine? 1.5 accidents in the span of an hour. What a horrible day so far. So, walked over to MPSH through YIH. At least it was covered and dry. I left the house 2 hours before the exam. Usually I can reach in an hour, maybe 1.5 hours. This time, I made it with only 15 minutes to spare. Then, went up to the venue to check my seat number. There was a board for MPSH2A and MPSH2B. I was supposed to be in 2B. Went there and THERE WAS NO LIST! Not for my module at least. Feeling a bit panicky in case I screwed up the date or something and missed the exam. Then I checked over at 2A and there it was. Freaking lecturer.

The exam was alright. I didn’t know what the heck was semiotic reconstruction so I crapped it up. Damn him to have to ask about ELF AGAIN! I had no idea what whatshisname Philipson (?) was supposed to be talking about either. Did we even read him? You know that when you start wondering that in an exam you’re kind of in trouble. So all I did was critique the quotation he gave and pray that’s enough. I got the feeling it wouldn’t go too well. Huishan was saying later that she felt happy that the lecturer didn’t let her down and set really hard questions.*rolls eyes* Had lunch with Vanessa, Siang Yu, Chih Lin and Michelle at Munchy Monkey’s (Monkies?). Yeah. It was not bad. The food was alright. Loved the dessert though. Company was very enjoyable. Gonna miss them. After lunch, went over to the EL room and ‘nua-ed’ for the rest of the afternoon. Ok, I was supposed to be revising Mie’s stuff but I didn’t. Not much anyway. I brought the little teddy bear home. If anyone violently objects, let me know and I’ll bring him back. I think I’ll call him Albert. Cos he’s the EL Bear. Yeah, whatever. He needs washing. Wonder how long he’s been sitting in the EL room. Anyway, was my last time in the EL room. Was nostalgic. We had some good times there.

Anyway, then, walked over to Kent Ridge Hall for the exam and almost got knocked over at least twice on the way. First time, two workers were doing something to the pavement and so I had to walk on the road and yeah well, roads have traffic. Then, I was trying to cross the junction at Heng Mui Keng there. I didn’t know it was a mini-roundabout thing. Almost got knocked down again. Damn. But I made it to KR hall in one piece. Mie’s exam was quite alright. I think I did ok. Hope it’s not graded on a bell curve though. That would suck. Finished in half an hour and spent the next half hour checking through things then decided to leave. One hour early. Took A1 back to the terminal and got on 151e. Traffic jam from school all the way to Jalan Toa Payoh. Even by express bus, it took almost 2 hours to get there and that was only 3/4 of the journey. Waited at Jln TPY for 154 but none appeared. Finally, the next 151 came along and I took that. Went up to Macpherson road and changed to 61. Stopped inside the estate. Now I’m really tired from a long day and so I thought I might wait for the bus instead of walking home. So I waited and waited and waited. The next 61 came along and I couldn’t stand it so I began to walk. Just I crossed the road and was too far to go back, the stupid bus came that I could have taken. I was pissed. But I continued to walk back. And almost got run over yet again by another stupid car. My timing for crossing the road was really sucky today. It was like every road I crossed I almost got knocked over. Dammit.

Was thinking as I walked (not as I was crossing the road) about the Universe module. Now I did really badly for it – not counting the essay portion yet. I’m really worried I’m going to fail it. I need at least a C but this is a 1000 level module, therefore very heavily based on the bell curve. I’m really worried I can’t get a C. If I’m lucky, I could get a D. Now my problem is this: if I get a D, I can S/U it but I’ll get a U which means I failed the module and probably I can’t graduate cos I’m one module short. On the other hand, if I don’t S/U it, my CAP might drop to the point that I can’t graduate with honours. It’s too late to say ‘I told you so’ so don’t. I’m just wondering what I should do if I really find myself in this scenario.

So anyway, got home and checked my emails. Talib sent me the best news I had of the day. I GOT 90% FOR NARRATIVE STRUCTURES ESSAY!!!!!! I was freaking worried about it before but he said he liked how I approached the thing. Phew. That’s one worry off. I’m really going to cram for his module. I really really REALLY want an A for it. I think I can. I hope. *fingers crossed*

Ok, so I guess that’s all for my day. Going to watch “Time Bandits” on youtube. Finished Torchwood already. Sigh. It was an interesting series. I kind of liked the finale. It was sad and touching and nice. Maybe I should try out the other show my online friend was watching. Assuming I can find it. Haha! Me and my watching shows. Bah. I should be studying for narrative and syntax.

Something funny:

A bit annoyed at the moment cos the “Add New Post” page is not appearing properly. I can still see a lot of errors in the layout. But for some inexplicable reason, that’s the best it can do at the moment. Even switched over to Safari but the same problem popped up. :p

Been a while since I blogged something of use. Last Friday was the last day of school in NUS. Woah. So fast!!!! It seems like such a short time ago that I just started my first day. I think it was Monday, but I can’t be sure, but I’m sure that it was a Linear Algebra class. That was my first university class and lecture ever. And now my last one is Narrative Structures. How time flies. The EL-ers had a little gathering thing Friday night in the EL room. Theme was: Childhood Ambition. I wanted to be a vet. Even brought poor little Watson and bandaged him up. Hope the bro doesn’t find out. Hehe! Leonard was the surgeon. He was probably the most dressed up. Sorry Su, flashy as that gold top was, still not as flashy as blue scrubs and shower caps.

A picture says a thousand words so here’s some pics. Mostly taken off the others on FB. English Language class of 2009. Gonna miss these crazy people. Good times.

Moving on. I’m really really REALLY crossing my fingers that I can at least scrape through Universe. Because the results were put up on IVLE and I FAILED!!! by one point. Cos I never went for tutorials. But I can’t accept that I got 5 out of 8 for my latest test. That would mean only 62% and I KNOW I did better than that! *pout* Banking on my essay now for a pass so I can get an S and can graduate.

Mum’s still trying to matchmake some guy with me. I put my foot down. I don’t think we can click AND he’s shorter than me. So, no. Not interested. Turning a deaf ear whenever mum goes on about it.

Finished watching Doctor Who. Oh man, it’s been brilliant! See, I realise that I’ve picked up that word from the Doctor. Or rather, David Tennant’s Doctor. Chris’ Doctor said ‘Fantastic’. Haha! The finale episode(s) were damn wonderful! Loved it at the end when everyone gathered back together and there was crossovers between Doctor Who, Torchwood and Sarah Jane Chronicles all into one HUGE finale. Only thing I didn’t like was the need to create another ‘Doctor’ out of the severed hand. I thought that was a bit much. Even though it seemed to be a necessary plot device. Song of Freedom at the end was brilliant too. I think that’s the best piece of music in Doctor Who. Because I love it, I’m gonna put it here. The context, the Davros had just ’stolen’ the earth and the Doctor has to bring it back to the right place in space. So he’s using the Cardiff Rift to loop around the Tardis and tow the earth back. This one here is the original clip. But to see a nicer clip, the music imposed on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5_4SiiICew

Speaking of Doctor Who, I discovered this concert thing called “Doctor Who at the Proms”. The Proms is some kind of British music festival. Got hold of a recording of the programme and… omg. Brilliant. Absolutely BRILLIANT! I wish it was longer and not just one hour. It felt like only a few minutes. It was showcasing the music from Doctor Who. They even had Cyberman stomping around, the Ood, Sontarans, a Dalek and the Davros. And the Doctor made a VERY special appearance. Loved the ending song (well, the penultimate ending) – Song of Freedom. It was ‘uplifting to the soul’. Seriously. I felt enlightened. Wish they could’ve brought out the Ood for that song though. Oh, I loved the Dalek sequence too. When the Dalek held the conductor ‘hostage’. LoL!!! The whole thing reminded me of that Play event we did a few years back. I’m glad I had the opportunity to do something like that.

Now, since I was procrastinating, I’ve been watching Torchwood also. It’s a spin off from Doctor Who and features Captain Jack Harkness as one of the characters in an ensemble cast. I finally found out what an ensemble cast is. It’s a cast where there’s no obvious main character and each character gets the opportunity for screen time in the limelight. Anyway, Torchwood. It’s definitely different from Doctor Who. Less fantasy adventure like and more gritty and real. And adult. Seriously. If it were ever to be shown here, it would be very very VERY heavily censored. Which makes me wonder if there is sense for me to go looking for the DVD, given that lots of scenes might be cut. For example, there was an episode where an alien came from space and needs to get energy from orgasms. So it took a female body and went around having sex with men, then they turn into little piles of dust. They showed it on screen. Captain Jack cracks a joke: “He came, and he went.” SG censors would probably go blind watching. Haha!! Anyway, enjoying Torchwood. Enjoying oogling at John Barrowman who plays Jack Harkness. Pity he’s gay. Why are the good looking ones either taken or gay??

I should be studying. Went through EWL stuff yesterday and day before. Should be doing Pidgins today but I feel so freaking lazy. Very very tempted to take the day off and spend tomorrow and Friday on Pidgins instead. Shall I? I think I might. Hehe!

Oh, forgot to add. I was blogsurfing and I saw this friend of mine who’s supposedly getting engaged. Or already is. I can’t really gather the distinction in her blog posts. Well… I’m happy for her, even though we’re not close. Lucky girl. The rest of us are still hanging around looking for someone. :p Bit jealous but it’s fine. I’m a bit surprised at the engaged thing but I suppose it’s natural, at our age. I guess. Haiz. Getting old. :p

Was given a set of Baroque music scores the other day. I think they’re for piano. Been trying to play them through. It’s quite simple except for those stylistic variations that I’m not sure what to do about cos I don’t understand the symbols. Bleah. Wish there were no exams. Or that exams didn’t matter so much. Then I can play my piano, write, sew, stone… whatever.

I’m also a bit… I don’t know the right word for it. Annoyed? At my mum. As usual. But this time it’s about my mum and my grandmother. The two of them cannot be in the same house together without there being absolute silence or absolute chaos between them. Now mum’s all like, you should be nicer to Ah Ma cos she’s getting old and all that stuff. But then she turns around and starts a shouting match right in the same breath. And she goes out and does charity work and all that but the minute she comes home it’s like Cold War 2. I can’t stand it! I just have to rant. :p At least, even if I’m not particularly sociable, I don’t pick fights and arguments. You think I like self imposed exile in my room cos I can’t stand being in the rest of the house with either of them?!??! I feel like yelling sometimes. Tell my mum, “You’re a bloody hypocrite you know! Keep telling me charity begins at home and all that shit. Here’s you going out and helping other people whilst at home you got your own mother who wants your company just as much as those other people. You’ve got no right to stand on moral high ground and lecture me about it when you’re doing the same thing.” And to my grandmother, I’d really like to say, “Stop bloody complaining about aches and pains and no strength and all that nonsense. If you did what the doctor told you one year ago and did all the physiotherapy and treatment like you were supposed to, maybe this wouldn’t be a problem now!” I know it’s evil and cruel but that’s the way I feel. I don’t know. I just feel that the past 3 years has been a major turning point in my life and I’m not sure if it turned in a good direction or a bad one.

Ok, so two things today.

Firstly, I saw yesterday’s newspaper that said that now there are to be tution subsidies for lower income families. All well and good except for one thing: tution class. At first I thought it was tution, as in school fees. But it’s not. It’s talking about those extra lessons parents make their kids take after school. Maybe it’s the generation thing that I grew up in. When did tution class become a necessity that required it to be subsidised by the government? If tution class is becoming a necessity, then what does this say about the education system in schools? That the teachers are so lousy that just attending class is not enough for the kids to do well? That kids are too lousy or lazy that they require a second session of ’school’ after school? Tution is an incredibly lucrative business for uni students. I know. Practically everyone I know has given/is giving tution to someone as a part time job. Except me that is. Cos I don’t see the necessity of tution. Maybe cos I never had any. Not really. Leastaways, I had tution only for Chinese and that’s cos I needed it to pass, not because I’m doing fine and want to score As. Tried Maths tution for a few weeks. Didn’t work out. I worked much better on my own. Maybe that’s why I make such a lousy teacher. Cos I never really got the whole teaching thing. I worked it out. I got into university without tution. Maybe it’s time for the government to revise its education syllabus if more and more kids are going for tution class in addition to their regular classes in school. There has to be something terribly wrong with the system. At this rate, why not just abolish school altogether and do homeschooling? Then the tutor can take over completely from the teacher. Most tutors are doing that already aren’t they? Assigning just as much homework as a regular school teacher, even teaching ahead of what the school teacher is doing. Then what do the kids do in class? Sit around and dream cos they’re secure that their tution teacher will teach them what they need to know? Then why does MOE still need to hire so many teachers for schools? Like I said, I think there’s something terribly wrong with the system.

Second thing. I saw, also in yesterday’s papers, that David Archuleta’s coming to Singapore!!!! Omg! Should I go??!! He’ll be at Bugis’ new shopping centre to promote his album and sign autographs and sing!! Ahhhhhh!!!! Ok, now I sound like a groupie. And it’s free admission. This is probably the closest I’m ever going to get to a real celebrity and all. Omg! I wanna go! But it’s Tuesday night. Haiz. Someone make up my mind for me!!!

So, I’m supposed to be incredibly busy at this time of the semester. And I am but I figured out that the reason I feel so swamped is cos I keep procrastinating and doing stuff I’m not supposed to do. This weekend was… well, I suppose it could be considered productive from a certain point of view. Saturday I did Mie’s readings. I don’t think I remember any more what I read. Lol! Last set of readings for the semester. Yay! That took half the afternoon. In the morning I was fooling around online. I think I was playing on Facebook. Got this new application called Typing Race. Well, the title says it all. You type and you win ‘money’ that you can use to buy cars to race with. Haha! I’ve got a pretty maroon Volkswagen Golf now. Racing to save up for a Ferrari. Lol! See how much an addictive time waster it can be? Anyway, after Mie’s readings, I had this itch to watch Dr Who. I think it’s cos Cba’s been using her Dr Who signature on the board and I keep comparing David Tennant with Christopher Eccleston. Ok, technically they’re supposed to be the same character but I think each actor gives different aspects to the character. I prefer the Eccleston cos I think he’s cuter and seems more fun.

But then again, I haven’t watched Tennant’s Dr Who yet so I can’t really say. But I think Eccleston is funny. And cos the bro’s DVD set is Eccleston’s season so… Yeah. Watched like 4 episodes of Dr Who that I haven’t watched already with the bro. Pretty cool. And unusual that I had the itch for sci-fi. Love the British accents. And then the cousin came over for dinner and we watched Star Wars: Return of the Jedi in the evening.

Anyway, talking about watched a lot of shows, I did quite a lot of that last week. It’s amazing that I got ANYTHING done at all. Thursday I was watching Charlie Chaplin’s “The Circus” for Narrative project. It was pretty interesting actually. Usually silent films are exhausting (thank god I missed the class when they were showing Battleship Potemkin) but this was quite fun. Never watched a Chaplin film before. Friday I got out “The Lion King”. It was good except that Mum was sitting alongside and giving a running commentary on things totally unrelated to the film. Like hello?? Watching here! Anyway, remind me not to invite mum to watch movie with me next time. It totally spoiled my enjoyment of the film. Then like I already said, Saturday was sci-fi day.

Sunday was much more productive I think. Church in the morning. Fr Joseph had a darn long homily. Not entirely sure what he was talking about but it sounded like it made sense. Cliff played the “Because of Jesus” freaking high. Luckily Andrea cut it off after verse 1. We were like struggling. I couldn’t get the key. I think only Daryl managed it and even then, he jumped an octave lower in the second chorus. Then in the afternoon, I finally decided to get down to some serious work and did my write up on the Hubble Space Telescope. It was pretty fascinating. I always thought the Hubble was up there like forever but apparently it’s only been there since 1990. And it’s orbiting the earth really fast. I was wondering why but no where could I find the answer. Anyway, I crapped up my 600 words for my part. Maybe I’ll continue my topic of the Hubble for the individual essay. Like I said, it’s fascinating.

Then watched an episode of Ugly Betty online. Yes, I follow Ugly Betty when I can. The storyline’s interesting and of course, helps that there’s a new cute guy on the scene:

Betty’s new boyfriend Matt. They’ve been suggesting that he resembles Josh Groban. Maybe a little. But he’s cute and nice and endearingly awkward and rich. Haha! Oh well, time to stop gushing over him. Hehe!

Evening was productive too, as I hoped. I finished my Narrative essay! Yay! Hope it made sense. It’s entirely possible that it wouldn’t make sense. You know, I’m pretty sure that my getting an F in that film studies module essay has doomed me to abject insecurity every time I write an essay. I can never be sure that what I’m writing is correct or that it won’t earn me another F. Damn you. Made me neurotic!

A friend of mine says she’s been accepted for SEP next year. Omg! So lucky! You know, I thought I’d be over it by now but apparently I’m not. I’m still feeling very very sore that everyone else seems to be going/gone for exchange and I never was able to. I was doing stuff with my friend list on Facebook and I’m amazed to see the number of people who have overseas universities listed in their networks. It frustrates me. I have yet to meet someone like me, who applied numerous times but was never successful. Everyone else I know either got it or didn’t want to go in the first place. And they all say, oh the rest of my friends also got what they applied for. I’m jealous cos I know that now I’ll never have the chance to do it. Ever. It’s gone. Over. The family’s not helping either. They’re all, you wanna go exchange, should go somewhere better than NUS. And I’m like, the point of exchange is not to chalk up points for resume – although it might help, having overseas experience. Like I said, the point is to have experience of life overseas. Do you think a three month stint in exchange is really going to help? In any case, NUS’ partner universities, majority of them are ranked lower. Who decides ranking anyway??! It’s so arbitrary and subjective.

And since I’m on the topic of frustration, I think I figured out why that new ad on TV mobile about no smoking is pissing me off. For one, it’s freaking unrealistic. You think smokers are going to care? You’d be lucky they don’t punch you in the face when you tell them to stop smoking if they want to. They’d just walk somewhere else and smoke there. Or punch you in the face. Two, Singaporeans are so don’t-care types, you think they’d really go up to a smoker and remind them that smoking is prohibited in such and such a place? They’d be more worried about being labelled kaypoh, or punched in the face. Third, that little girl in the last scene is soooooooooo much a bad actress. Ok, the English version is slightly better. But the way she placed her word stress and all is just so FAKE! She’s like, “Uncle, you can’t smoke here now.” You can hear the stress on the “can’t” and the “now”. Which I think is very fake. What would make it sound more natural is if she stressed on “smoke” instead. So instead of “You CAN’T smoke here NOW.” make it “You can’t SMOKE here now.” And then there’s the Mandarin version which is really really REALLY fake! She says, “叔叔， 您不能在这里吸烟.” And the other sentence, “谢谢您不在这里吸烟.” The unnaturalness is the entire sentence. First, like I said, a kid that age will NOT under any circumstances go up to a complete stranger and say stop smoking. The guy’d ignore her or punch her. Then, no one says “叔叔” when they use Mandarin. It’s always “Uncle”. I’ll demonstrate when I bitch about another commercial later. And the “您”. *shudder* she overemphasises it, pronouncing “niNG”. It’s freaking unnatural because it breaks up the sentence so much. And who uses “您” anyway? And lastly, who says “吸烟” these days? It’s always “抽烟” isn’t it? It sounds more natural. So anyway, point is, that commercial is forced and painfully fake and artificial and I highly doubt it’s going to have ANY effect on people trying to enforce the no-smoking areas in SG.

And I was saying I have another commercial to bitch about. This one I have issues with the content, not with the acting. The acting’s quite natural. It’s Macdonald’s new ad for their sausage mcmuffin breakfast. I haven’t heard an English version yet, not sure if there is one cos the Mandarin version has English subtitles, unlike the above example. It’s a professional looking guy in a car going to a drive through window. This is the interaction:

Server: Mr Lim, 早！(Morning!)

Mr Lim:  早！(Morning!)

Server: 你的早餐。(Your breakfast) Hands over a Macdonald paper bag and coffee cup.

Mr Lim: 谢谢你 Auntie! (Thank you Auntie)

Server: 明天见, bye bye! (see you tomorrow, bye bye!)

Like I mentioned above, the codeswitching is what makes it so much more natural. Like the auntie doesn’t say “林先生” nor does the guy say “阿姨”. They use the English terms for the addressing. Anyway, that’s not the point. I was going to bitch about it. My issue with this is the implication that this guy eats Macdonald’s EVERYDAY for breakfast and… well, with all the hype going round about health and whatnot, is this the kind of message Mac wants to portray of themselves? Do they need another Super Size Me documentary? This time it’s very obvious that they’re pushing for the ‘eat Macdonald’s every day!’ message.

Um… oh my. I lost track of my train of thought. Anyway, you get the picture. These two ads are pissing me off everyday when I sit in the bus and see it all the time. I just had to bitch about it.

Alrighty. I should get back to work. But knowing me, I doubt I’ll get anything done until after lunch. But I think I’m in good shape now, assignments-wise. Just need to keep doing them and not let them pile up. Yup yup.

And it’s Monday yet again. Not a very productive weekend. I got seduced by Anne Rice’s vampires and couldn’t put down the books over the weekend. Bad me. It’s just, I’ve not always been a fan of vampire novels until Twilight came along and made me want to go looking for better vampire material. I refuse to go read Dracula again. It scared me. Seriously. Especially when I read it properly and not just skimmed through the pages. Anyway, Anne Rice’s novels. I’ve been reading them out of order, I realised. As in, her Vampire Chronicles series, I was reading from the last book first then working my way downwards to Interview with the Vampire. Of course, that was because I didn’t have access to the earlier books. Found a really really great PDF someone put up online which was almost the entire Vampire Chronicles starting from Book 1. So I’m reading that now. I finished reading Merrick on Saturday. Was sad when Louis tried to kill himself. I kinda liked Louis. He was a humane vampire, not the kind of cocky show off like Lestat. Interview had Louis as the main character and I found that interesting. It painted a different side of Claudia too than was shown in the film. Claudia was really like the devil’s child in the book. I liked the part in Interview when Armand was telling Louis how their kind dies. Oh and I liked that Louis and Claudia went to Transylvania to look for vampires and didn’t find Count Dracula but instead found mindless reanimated corpses. Wonder how that happened. It wasn’t explained. Anyway, back to how the vampire dies. It’s quite sad. Armand was saying it’s because they can’t cope with the changes in the world. I think that’s very true. The world changes but the vampire does not. So the things he loves and is used to get phased out and dies out but he still clings on to them, unable to fully embrace and belong to the new era. They go mad or die. By die, Armand didn’t exactly specify. He just said they vanish and are never seen again. But anyway, it brought to mind stuff like… well, you know how some old people sometimes just can’t seem to get over their ‘glory days’ and keep talking about the past and don’t seem to live in the present? Yeah, it reminded me of that. Even for me, I keep thinking back to my childhood days, when things were easier and simpler and just not as hard as now. I can understand what Armand was saying. It was sad that in the end, Armand vanished too. He was a decent vampire.

Ok, what else? I’m not the world’s greatest environmentalist. Heck, I’m hardly what you’d call an environmentalist at all. I kill trees on a regular basis printing sheets and sheets of useless readings and I waste electricity all the time with my computer, fan and lights on. But, I think I’ve been more aware about environmental issues (even if I do nothing about it) ever since writing that Al Gore paper for Sunita’s class last semester. So this year, I decided I want to take part in Earth Hour. For those who don’t know, Earth Hour is a symbolic standing up for the environment by turning off all unnecessary lights and electric appliances for one hour on 28th March.

Like I said, I’m not an environmentalist. Hardly. But I guess I should at least make a symbolic effort to save the environment. Yes, I found Al Gore’s argument (flawed and theatric and limited as it was sometimes) convincing.

Other stuff. Ok. I think I’m getting rashes. Not the usual kind of rashes where red splotches appear on my body. Had those before. Annoying like hell. This is the kind where nothing appears except a really annoying itch. And it doesn’t turn red till I scratch it. I thought it was a mosquito bite(s) the past few days but when no swelling appeared, I concluded it’s a rash. It’s really annoying. I’m feeling itchy all over but there’s no bloody thing I can do about it. I tried applying Mopiko, but apparently it doesn’t work. Only feels more itchy. *sad*

And the bro has got fever so he’s on MC for a few days. Don’t know to be happy for him cos he don’t need to go back camp, which is something he always hopes for, or to be sad cos he’s sick. :p Oh well. At least it’s not me. Yet. Can’t afford to fall sick and miss class. It’s like every class is important at this stage. Sigh. Can’t skip class even if I wanted to. Oh well. I decided to forgo my resolution to be good and attend my universe tutorials. Know why? Cos I’m a freaking lazy coward. I looked at the tutorial sheet and I couldn’t understand a single word. Are they still speaking English?? Physics is a whole different language. I would’ve been better off taking another Maths module. At least those tutorials still made sense to me. Too late to regret now though. Syntax is being difficult again. Guess our love affair is over. (cf Alvin) It’s back to on-again-off-again relationship there.

Been watching Blackadder on Youtube for Narrative project. Omg! I can’t stand it! The character Rowan Atkinson plays is just so replusive and unpleasant and downright slimy (as the narration describes him). However, the humour in the series is unmistakable, despite a horrible main character. There are loads of people I’m sure, who like the series. But I can’t decide if I like or hate it.

Alrighty. Think that’s all. I should go and woo Syntax again. :p It’s a tiring and relentless task that doesn’t seem to bear fruit. Oh well, it’s a marriage of convenience where Syntax is concerned. After May 7, I’m breaking up with Syntax. No looking back, muahahahaha! Oh yeah, talking about syntax… I think Sr Enrica indirectly offered me a  job as… *drumroll* … English teacher at CSHI. I was like thanks, but no thanks. I refuse to go into teaching unless I’m starving to death. I mean, come on. Teach English at the kindergarten or at the hearing impaired school? What does Sr think I am?? People are constantly pushing me towards NIE . WHY??!!! Haven’t I made it clear time and again that I have NO interest in teaching?? No teacher has ever made a lasting impression on me in a good way (lots of teachers made lasting impressions on me in very bad ways). What incentive have I to go into that field (except to earn money so I don’t starve)?

Oh well. Life sucks. Wish I could do a vampire and disappear.

Well, Saturday, I had an industrious fit come over me and I did my Narrative Structures essay. Yes, I know the deadline’s at the end of the month and I’ve still got a lot of time. Didn’t say my industrious fit was supposed to be relevant. :p Which means what I’m actually supposed to be doing – like my readings for next week – are still undone but I’ve got a large portion of the Narrative essay done. Probably it’s all rubbish. I’m dreading rereading and editing. Haha!

Went for Daryl’s choir concert Saturday night. “The Beat Goes On” – Cantemus by NTU CAC Choir. It was fun being on the other side of the stage for the first time in a long time at a choir concert. VCH was like full house. Well done to them for managing to sell so many tickets. They had the NTU Choir alumni singing as a guest choir too. NTU choir wasn’t all that bad. They were smaller than the NUS choir and they sang very very very softly. They got better nearer the intermission. Maybe they warmed up by then. To my unsensitive ears, they sounded quite alright, except for the volume. They’re very good at soft passages but the loud ones give them problems. Maybe their voices aren’t developed enough or something. Not much power. But I liked their song selection. They did Eric Whitacre too. Animal Crackers was interesting. Mr Yong took The Panther slower than we did. Never realised how short and abrupt those songs seem to be. I like their Seal Lullaby. It was sweet and, like I said, they’re good at the soft passages. It was this song that their loud passages started to come out a bit more and that was certainly nice. Pity intermission had to come and interrupt that development. The alumni choir sang pretty well, considering their numbers. They did Verano Porteno like we did last year. I like our version better. But I think they did well for Lux Aurumque. Whitacre’s songs are tough, even his easy ones. But I think they did really well (considering I don’t know how it’s supposed to sound like). Then intermission. After that the singing kind of went down the drain but it was highly entertaining. The whole second half was dancing galore. All the 60s Hairspray-esque music. They used prerecorded music which kind of drowned out their voices. I liked Defying Gravity. After all this time of avoiding that song (for some strange preference reason), I find that it’s really a nice song. Like it. Anyway, like I said, the dancing was uber entertaining. Choirs don’t do that usually. Nelson would probably kill himself than let us do it, especially at the expense of our singing. Pity. It would have been so fun! Their medley portion was cool. Daryl danced pretty well.

Overall, I think that the venue hurt the choir more than it helped. VCH has high ceilings and is big with a significant portion of the audience being covered by the second level seats. So the sound just sucked. I kind of thought that the choir would have sounded a lot better in a smaller hall. Cos they did sound good to me. Just that their sound got lost in the hall. Of course, sucky hall or not is not an excuse for a uni choir. Maybe next year, their current batch has been with them longer, their voices will change. I know NUS choir’s sound has definitely changed over the years. NTU choir is still young. There’s time.

Wanted to comment on the audience. Lots of secondary school kids in the audience. Hope I wasn’t like that when I was in secondary school. Freaking irritating and annoying bunch of kids acting like it’s their first time out in town. At least there wasn’t whispering or talking (that I could notice) during the performance. They’re all choristers anyway (most likely) so guess they know how to behave. But there were some people – looks like JC age – who were sashaying in all late! The concert started on time at 7.30pm. 8pm still got people walking in. One song before intermission still got people coming in!!!!!! What the fuck!!!! They’re that late, missed half the concert, why bother showing up in the first place?! I was really pissed by that. And, because they were late and it’s free seating, there was no seats for them except the very front few rows. So the entire hall could see them taking their own sweet time to come in whilst the choir is in the middle of a song. And, you’d expect them to be apologetic and maybe a bit embarrassed, quickly go to a seat and quit distracting everyone. NO!!!! They STAND there in the aisle and DISCUSSED which seat to take!! OhMyGod! I feel pissed off just thinking about it. Have some respect for the performers, if you don’t respect your fellow audience members.

Moving on. Sunday. Went around church trying to get people to do my questionnaire for 3211. It was freaking hard to get people to do it. Especially when we had to fulfil the quota for people above 60. No problem with the young ones. They were all curious and quite willing to help out by filling one out. Wish I could do more of the younger age group but I’m only allowed 2. :p

Oh yeah, used Clifford’s iPhone during choir sectionals cos he’s got this cool application that lets you use a digital keyboard on your phone. *dreams* Loved it! I want iPhone just for this app. But, getting the chance to ‘fiddle’ with the iphone, particularly the touchscreen, it seems to be alright. Quite sensitive (at times a little too sensitive) but not like the HTC that Wanni let me try. This one’s built to let people poke it with their fingers to do stuff. I’m really really really leaning towards an iPhone now.

Had dinner at SingPost. Went to a second hand book stall that was set up in the basement. Was actually thinking to buy LOTR paperback and I’ve noticed that secondhand books are usually cheaper and the quality isn’t all that bad. But this stall only had LOTR chopped up into the three books. Which I wasn’t too keen on getting. Pity. ROTK had Aragorn’s gorgeous face plastered over the front cover. Hee! But I DID get Interview with the Vampire! That was a really good find! Been trying to get that from the library for ages but it’s all out. And here I find it for just $5. Isn’t that great or what? The stallkeeper was saying that she has had customers like me lately. Another guy was trying to get Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code from the library but, like me, he found her stall and bought the book from her. I think it’s amazing how these popular books find their way to secondhand stores and people like me find them there. Cheap and available. Excited to read it. After I finish reading my other 2 Anne Rice books that I got from the library the other day (Blackwood Farm and Merrick). I know. Where do I find my time to read and all? I don’t know the answer to that either. Haha!

Finally managed to get the family to watch Touched by an Angel: I Will Walk With You. I’ve had that for ages and never managed to get them to watch it. TY recorded it for me years ago. The parents were initially all talking piracy with me but strangely enough, the minute I told them the title, they just shut up about it. Subjective are they? I would buy the DVDs and all, but I don’t want the entire series. I only wanted this particular episode. I liked it and I think they liked it too. It’s the finale episode. But I talked about it before – HERE and HERE- so I won’t go into it now. Good series. They don’t make shows like that anymore and lord knows, the world needs more shows like that these days. Themes of faith, hope, love, trust… they just aren’t shown on TV anymore. Maybe they don’t make the ratings as much as violence, betrayal, drama, comedy, sex… do. A show about angels who help people in the world to regain their faith, their hope, to remind them that they’re not alone and that god loves them… what place does it have in today’s society? It’s a pity and a shame that the series has ended and nothing seems to be able to adequately replace it.

Oh well. That was my weekend. I should get to sleep. It’s 12.30am. Not really sleepy at the moment though. That’s my problem. I think I’m becoming a little of an insomniac. My internal clock’s a little out of whack about shutting down time, though it doesn’t seem to have a problem with getting up time. I find myself waking up at the same time even when I don’t need to.

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s syntax. I think I’m gonna get a C. Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t come this far to get a C now!!!!!! It’s sad. I thought I understood it during the lecture but I just don’t get the tutorial. Damn. I’m gonna hand in 2 pages of utter crap fluffed up such that even Chomsky would be proud – he with all his made up data. I can make things up too and create my own rules of syntax. Haha!

Anyways. Busy weeks coming up. Gabriel was pissed during choir yesterday but his pissiness is so different from Adyll’s. Like the exact opposite. I’m not sure whose pissiness I prefer. But it’s true. We’re less than 2 weeks away from the concert and we’re no where near ready. *hangs head in embarrassment* Why is the concert so darn early this year??! Dreading next weekend. I’m already sleep deprived enough as it is by Friday. Maybe I should skip Talib’s class and catch up on sleep so I won’t be a zombie by Saturday concert time. I agree with Kim – 9am classes SUCK!!!!!! It’s got to be sacrilegous or something.

Got myself a new stapler today. Needed it, since my lousy cute little yellow stapler can’t hardly staple more than a couple of pages at a time. Sadly, I thought it was blue but when I bought it and opened the box, it’s GREY!!! Not that it’s a problem. I just preferred the blue colour. Looks nicer.

I officially love Two Bite’s cinnamon rolls. I think I may have talked about the brownies a while back – yummy stuff – but I decided that I prefer the cinnamon rolls more. They’re so nice and chewy and cinnamon-y. Yum! Freaking unhealthy but nice.

And I’ve got an ulcer on my lip. Sad cos it got there cos I accidentally bit my own lip whilst chewing one day. So now, I can’t enjoy my favourite tomato sauce pasta that was for lunch the other day. Every single bite was making my lip sting like hell. Talk about PAIN!! It’s better now but apparently tomato sauce still makes it sting. Not sure about other sauces cos I’ve been avoiding things like that. I know I should put toothpaste on it to make it better but frankly, I’m just a coward when pain is involved and I know for a fact that putting toothpaste will make it hurt like hell. Even though it’ll make it heal faster.

Oh yeah. Remember my blocked ear from last year? It’s sporadically getting unblocked now. Yay, I guess. Haha!

Kind of looking forward to the recess week. Then I can catch up on sleep and other stuff. Was planning to do some work on the choir blog (go see it!) but haven’t had the time to sit down and decide what to do with it.

And my bloody internet connection has gone down yet again. I don’t understand why. It was working fine till a couple of minutes ago when the reception suddenly went down to almost nothing. It’s FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!! Like now when I’m trying to do stuff on the internet. I have to refresh each page a few times before anything would show up cos it just keeps showing Page Load Error because the connection is so freaking weak. Talk about being annoyed at technology, I downloaded an antivirus for Mac the other day and suddenly today (well, last night actually) it can’t work no more! It say s it can’t contact the service. What the bloody hell!! You know, I’ve had to physically relocate my laptop in order to get it to have a better signal. That so does not help cos the best signal I can get is sitting on my bed with the laptop on my lap. Not the most conducive spot for doing work.  No. I’m not leaving my room cos of the grandmother and maid situation. I’ve become a virtual hermit in my room and I’m not happy about that either.

Basically, my life sucks all round. Probably the only time I have peace is when I’m in Lalaland.

Oh yeah, got a fright this morning. I think I’ve been watching too many ghost documentaries on Youtube. I woke up at 7, a few minutes before my alarm clock rang and I heard this cough sound that I could have sworn came from inside my room. I don’t know if it was me. I’ve been known to make sounds that I don’t know I made. But anyway, I heard a cough and like I said, I thought it came from somewhere in my room. So I looked around, in case it’s my mum or something. She did that before, coming in and doing god knows what. But there was no one in the room but me. Thought it was a ghost or something. Especially since, watching the youtube vids, there’s been a lot of stories about choking ghosts – ghosts who choke people in their beds kind of thing. I freaked out.

Anyway, I’ve gotten hold of the movie “Interview with the Vampire”. Excited to see it but as usual, don’t know where I’m going to find the time to watch it. Maybe I’ll skip universe tutorial and do that. It would be a much better way to waste my time than to go listen to a physics class.

I really should get back to Syntax. Have to hand up the assignment tomorrow and I haven’t quite gotten an answer yet. Sigh. Procrastinating by printing out all the posted readings. Damn waste of paper I think. Maybe I should take the same approach to this as I did to SFG last sem. Decide that I will get an A. Then maybe I could psych myself to do it. Maybe. I WILL GET AN A FOR SYNTAX!!!

Oh man. Weekends are so not good for me. I start to procrastinate and before I know it, it’s time to go back to school and wade through the mountain of work that I left undone. Got a PILE of readings to do for Mie’s class. 2 weeks worth cos of the CNY break. Damn. And we’re gonna be quizzed on it too. How horribly secondary school-ish is that?? And boring reading stuff too. I saw a bit when I was printing them. Dry. Not fun whatsoever. I’ll probably fall asleep while reading. Haven’t managed to make myself pick up the thing and start to read though. Since this morning I was all, oh I’ll do it after I print, after lunch, after I finish reading my novel, after American Idol, etc etc, you get the picture.

Went out for dinner with the EL people last night. It was fun. Bugis was crazy crowded though. Didn’t quite like having to wade through a sea of people. I was reading Twilight whilst waiting for them at the MRT and there was this Chinese (not PRC. Her accent when she was on the phone was not PRC) woman, goodness knows who the hell she is, standing next to me. I don’t know her and I was there before her but she stood so freaking close to me as if she knows me, like she was trying to read over my shoulder or something – that close. Yuck. So, in an act that’s so not like me, I pointedly closed my book and deliberately walked away from her to somewhere else where I could wait. And you know what??! After like a few minutes, that woman was back next to me! What the hell!!!! I know the station was crowded, but was there really a need to get that close? You know how strangers usually keep an appropriate distance from other strangers? It’s not as if I know her! I feel like she’s violating my space. I thought I’d have made that very clear earlier but some people… Anyway, had steamboat with the EL people, like I said. Not much to report about that. Ate freaking a lot. The tom yam soup base was very delicious. Leonard was like, “what are we gonna do after this?” a million times and no one answered. When we finally made an attempt to answer, that attempt fell flat and he had to ask that question yet another thousand times. Haha! Don’t know what they did in the end though. Think they went drinking (I’ve heard they’ve established an ELDC – EL Drinking Club – on Facebook). I left early (earlier. I don’t think 10pm qualifies as early.) Got lucky. Apparently the Chingay parade was going on at City Hall (which explains why I was seeing lights flashing across the buildings in the distance) so the bus was so empty. That was a pleasant surprise, given that usually that bus is packed so crowded in that area. I even managed to get a seat to myself.

Went to Kinokuniya to buy the rest of the Twilight series that I’ve been meaning to buy but never got round to doing so. Only managed to get New Moon. The cashier told me Eclipse and Breaking Dawn were out of stock on the publishers’ side. The soft cover versions at least. She said they had the hard cover ones in stock in their town branch. But, I heard that it’s really expensive. A friend told me the box set, hard cover for all four books, were selling for $100+. I was like, what the hell??! That has to be at least $25 per book. The soft cover version is average $19 per book. Huge difference. Anyway, gotten New Moon and reading it now. There’s just something about new books that I’m afraid of rough handling. It always feels like I’m gonna break the book or something. Especially soft cover books. I always watch myself so I don’t bend the thing too open and make the pages fall out or something.

Been watching American Idol. I’m kind of annoyed with the latest season. I don’t know if I’ve bitched about it yet. But American Idol lately has been like the high-schooler delusion of grandeur. Seriously. The average age of these kids are probably 18 – 20. There are so many 16 year olds who show up to audition. All trying to be the next David Archuleta or something. I don’t know. To me… there are some good singers in that age range but I think that they’re way too young to be in the music industry. I mean, hello? 16 years old? I don’t care that Americans mature faster than Asians. They’re not even legally adults yet. Are they really ready for this kind of life? Do they even realise what a career in the music industry is going to do to them, especially through the medium of American Idol? And at that age, a lot of them are good singers but still so raw. Personally, I hear their sound and I think that they should wait a few more years and then come back to audition. Their voices just aren’t ready – haven’t reached their full potential. I don’t know how many freaking times I’ve heard, “This is all I ever wanted.” watching the show. It’s starting to get freaking annoying. But this is the age group that’s grown up watching American Idol. It’s freaky to wrap my head around it. Like these 16 year olds… they were only 8 when Kelly Clarkson became the first Idol. 8!!!! These are kids that grew up with ideas that they could be exactly like Kelly Clarkson or Clay Aiken and the minute they reach the acceptable age, they rush off to audition for the show. It really is a bit gross to think about it. I don’t know why I still watch the show though. It’s really a little disturbing to see these kids all thinking they’re going to be rich and famous.

Well, I suppose that’s that. I really should go do my readings now, but I’m really lazy. Maybe later. Haha!

So it’s always the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Whatever that means. Today on the bus back home I felt like I’ve reached this point where I usually need to have a nice long rant on my blog about how much life sucks.

I guess it all started with this morning in EWL class. Well, maybe not quite started, but let’s say the cracks began forming then. We were talking about language ownership and whether anyone can really claim to have ownership of English in the context of English being such a global language and all that. So the article we were supposed to read dealt with Eurasians in Singapore and how they want English to be their Mother Tongue but the government refuses. Anyway, the class started out fine. Me and the year 4s were joking around till Wee came along and started class and that was fine too. He was in a pretty good mood, cracking jokes and all. Had the class laughing. Had nice long discussions about the topics. Then we were began the actual topic of language ownership and the year 3s were giving examples and stuff. It was ok for a while then it started to get very very repetitive and slightly irrelevant at times. Then this year 4 guy that’s notorious for this kind of stuff started talking. I’ve heard that he’s got this ‘talent’ for doing things like that but I never really noticed it till now. First, he made this long comment and gave his own example which ultimately was just a rephrasing of someone else’s earlier example. Then when Wee called him out on that – told him that that’s exactly what they were trying to illustrate – this guy changed tactics and in the end, rephrased the original question. Omg. At least Wee didn’t pander to him like Lazar did sometimes. Then the class went on to discuss the topic of the article and about the Eurasians and the bilingual policy in Singapore. Then there was this girl who suddenly (I don’t really remember what led up to it) made this comment about how she thinks that the whole issue of ethnicity is problematic anyway and starts questioning what it is to be an Eurasian and asking whether people of other mixed parentage can be considered Eurasians also. What pissed me off I suppose was that her tone was exactly “This is what I think and I don’t care what anyone else thinks”. And what definitely definitely pissed me off was that she got into this whole pointless debate over the definition of an Eurasian and ethnicy and race. What the hell! It’s supposed to be a linguistics class, not sociology. Go debate ethnicity there!

Yeah, the year 3s annoy the hell out of me. I don’t know why. They just do.

Anyway, meanwhile, went to the honors room where there was thankfully some of the year 4s goofing around in there. I suppose I wasn’t in the best of temperaments. Last night I attended a meeting in church where I (as a representative of my organisation) got quite vehemently scolded by another member of the meeting. Sure, he was totally justified in ranting and clearing his system of his anger at us. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t irritate the hell out of me, especially when I’m not one of the guilty parties. At least, to the best of my knowledge, I’m not. I’m not responsible for what other people in my organisation (or associated with my organisation) do. But as the representative there, I just kept quiet and took the damn scolding already. Experience tells me that if I just shut up and let him rant on, it’ll be over much more quickly than if I try to contradict him. I don’t know how come I end up taking the blame for a lot of stuff around here. Like the upset over carolling, or whenever the slides screw up. How come I’m like a magnet for people to complain to? I’m getting really tired of trying to play hero everytime people want one. It’s tiring and it’s not like I’m particularly religious or whatever. I’m getting really really sick of all this.

Talking about not being in the best of temperaments, I’m still a bit put off by the other day’s 3211 presentation. I really hate it that I couldn’t have done better. It really wasn’t my best and I feel that me and my group mate was so unprepared. I guess, after Lazar’s one hour presentation last year, I’ve grown kind of used to doing it on my own but with material that I know well enough. It was a tough class this time. I don’t know the people. Don’t know what makes them talk or not. And being the third group of the day to present was not good. People get bored, especially since we had a quiz about the readings and basically, they know everything they already need to know. It was just a waste of time.

And I wanted to stargaze but I couldn’t cos it wasn’t quite safe where it was dark enough to see stars and it wasn’t dark enough, nor enough sky space where it was safe to stare at the sky. Irritated cos I really wanted to try and see the constellations we’ve been learning about in Astronomy.

Then choir. Today was exhausting. On one hand, I wish I could’ve skipped it. Gone out with the EL-ers and drink. On the other, I couldn’t have skipped cos I’m really so far behind. They had auditions during the sectionals. I had to sing a section of Requiem and Little Birds. Little Birds went ok but Requiem… I’m really disappointed with myself. It didn’t help that that part I was asked to sing was just the bit that was a little out of my range. So my voice started warbling and shaking and… like I said, I was very ashamed of myself. I’m supposed to be the most senior of them all and I don’t understand why, after all these years, I still can’t rely on my voice to stay good when I need it to be. Nelson came down and did combined for the first half songs. It was ok. Still don’t know how the hell I’m going to memorise it all by next week. After Nelson left, we all got scolding from Nad about discipline and what have you. And we had to stay till 10 to finish the auditions, regardless if you’d already been auditioned or not. After that, they had us all go outside and sing birthday song for someone. I’m not in a reasonable mood at the moment. Choir was supposed to officially end at 9.30pm. That’s what I signed up for. I allow that when we’re in a fix like we are now, it’s ok to extend until 10pm. But like just now, it went all the way till 10.30pm with no sign of stopping – I just walked away, the rest of them were still playing and hanging around – that’s just too much. For the record, this is my blog and I’ll be as unreasonable and selfish as I like on it. Just because you may live in and around the school doesn’t mean everyone else does. Just because you can afford to take a cab or drive doesn’t mean everyone else can. Just because you don’t have class the next day doesn’t mean other people don’t have too. Just because you can get by with 3 hours of sleep per night doesn’t mean everyone else can. I know the choir folks are trying to be nice but there has to be a limit. Some people have to worry about catching the last bus home, worry about an early morning class, worry about not having eaten dinner. I don’t mind staying back to perfect the singing. But there was nothing of the sort. The singing finished at 9.40pm and the rest of the time was wasted waiting for the auditions to finish and then for this asinine thing. I’m sorry SH, it’s not your fault, and Happy Birthday (if you’re reading this).

So I rushed off and caught the 10.30pm bus back. The last time I caught that late bus was 2 years ago when I was still in the choir committee and having to stay back for meetings and all. At least the bus was empty so I had a seat to myself. Which was good cos I was balancing my heavy bag (yet another cause of annoyance. There’s really nothing in it that explains why it’s so heavy), my file and my laptop. There wasn’t much to complain about the 151 really. It was really fast and I reached Macpherson a while before 11pm. It was the bus back into the estate that pissed me royally. From a distance, I thought it was full cos it looked like there were people all squished up front and I resigned myself to having to do acrobatics to keep my balance and keep my laptop from crashing to the floor. But as the bus pulled up the bus stop, I was royally pissed to see that the congestion in the bus was in the first quarter of the bus. The remaining 3/4 of the bus was fucking empty! Omg. I wish I was the type that doesn’t feel shy about showing her feelings. I was so tempted to yell “Move the hell in!!!!” Not that it would have made a difference I think. It was some Indian foreign worker and some China looking girl with a huge suitcase blocking the aisle. Anyway, I managed to push my way in but the other guy who had boarded the bus with me was left standing on the steps. Omg. Can’t the bus driver do something? He’s the one with the legitimate authority to order people to move in. And it was OBVIOUS that people really needed to move in. I know he knew about it. I saw him surveying the situation. What kind of thing is this? Even if it’s late and he wants to get moving soon, it’s still his job isn’t it? Even if it’s not explicitly stated in his job description, doesn’t he think it’s only right to ask people to move in, especially when there’s plenty of room and means that someone standing on the steps might have some place solid to hang on to when the bus moves? Don’t know what the bus company does with the money we pay them. Service gets worse and worse each day.

And I’ve been feeling rather left out the last few weeks. Not that I didn’t have a hand in it myself. But for when someone agrees to something then behind my back does something else and I find out, and it excluded me when they orignally agreed to include me… I’d say never mind but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to think about it. To be excluded because I’m not one of the ‘in’ crowd. I don’t dress in fashion, I’m not top honours student, I’m not witty or clever, I don’t drink or hang out in clubs. It’s upsetting to know that maybe because I always turn down the invitations, they don’t bother to include me anymore. I mean, you know, I may say no, but it’s always nice to just ask. Makes me feel less unwanted in a way.

I’m stressed out and it’s not even the time of the semester when stress starts kicking in yet. Now if you’d excuse me, I’m off to go cry myself to sleep and count the hours till I have to make myself wake up and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

Now if there's a smile on my face
It's only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that's quite a different subject
But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Really I'm sad, oh I'm sadder than sad
You're gone and I'm hurtin' so bad
Like a clown I pretend to be glad

Now there's some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown, when there's no one around
Uh hum, oh yeah baby

Now if I appear to be carefree
It's only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don't let my show convince you
That I've been happy since you
Decided to go, oh I need you so
I'm hurt and I want you to know
But for others I put on a show, ooh yeah

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the public eye
But in my lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there's no one around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there's a smile on my face
Don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don't let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don't care
When really I'm sad…I’m hurting so bad…