So it’s always the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Whatever that means. Today on the bus back home I felt like I’ve reached this point where I usually need to have a nice long rant on my blog about how much life sucks.

I guess it all started with this morning in EWL class. Well, maybe not quite started, but let’s say the cracks began forming then. We were talking about language ownership and whether anyone can really claim to have ownership of English in the context of English being such a global language and all that. So the article we were supposed to read dealt with Eurasians in Singapore and how they want English to be their Mother Tongue but the government refuses. Anyway, the class started out fine. Me and the year 4s were joking around till Wee came along and started class and that was fine too. He was in a pretty good mood, cracking jokes and all. Had the class laughing. Had nice long discussions about the topics. Then we were began the actual topic of language ownership and the year 3s were giving examples and stuff. It was ok for a while then it started to get very very repetitive and slightly irrelevant at times. Then this year 4 guy that’s notorious for this kind of stuff started talking. I’ve heard that he’s got this ‘talent’ for doing things like that but I never really noticed it till now. First, he made this long comment and gave his own example which ultimately was just a rephrasing of someone else’s earlier example. Then when Wee called him out on that – told him that that’s exactly what they were trying to illustrate – this guy changed tactics and in the end, rephrased the original question. Omg. At least Wee didn’t pander to him like Lazar did sometimes. Then the class went on to discuss the topic of the article and about the Eurasians and the bilingual policy in Singapore. Then there was this girl who suddenly (I don’t really remember what led up to it) made this comment about how she thinks that the whole issue of ethnicity is problematic anyway and starts questioning what it is to be an Eurasian and asking whether people of other mixed parentage can be considered Eurasians also. What pissed me off I suppose was that her tone was exactly “This is what I think and I don’t care what anyone else thinks”. And what definitely definitely pissed me off was that she got into this whole pointless debate over the definition of an Eurasian and ethnicy and race. What the hell! It’s supposed to be a linguistics class, not sociology. Go debate ethnicity there!

Yeah, the year 3s annoy the hell out of me. I don’t know why. They just do.

Anyway, meanwhile, went to the honors room where there was thankfully some of the year 4s goofing around in there. I suppose I wasn’t in the best of temperaments. Last night I attended a meeting in church where I (as a representative of my organisation) got quite vehemently scolded by another member of the meeting. Sure, he was totally justified in ranting and clearing his system of his anger at us. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t irritate the hell out of me, especially when I’m not one of the guilty parties. At least, to the best of my knowledge, I’m not. I’m not responsible for what other people in my organisation (or associated with my organisation) do. But as the representative there, I just kept quiet and took the damn scolding already. Experience tells me that if I just shut up and let him rant on, it’ll be over much more quickly than if I try to contradict him. I don’t know how come I end up taking the blame for a lot of stuff around here. Like the upset over carolling, or whenever the slides screw up. How come I’m like a magnet for people to complain to? I’m getting really tired of trying to play hero everytime people want one. It’s tiring and it’s not like I’m particularly religious or whatever. I’m getting really really sick of all this.

Talking about not being in the best of temperaments, I’m still a bit put off by the other day’s 3211 presentation. I really hate it that I couldn’t have done better. It really wasn’t my best and I feel that me and my group mate was so unprepared. I guess, after Lazar’s one hour presentation last year, I’ve grown kind of used to doing it on my own but with material that I know well enough. It was a tough class this time. I don’t know the people. Don’t know what makes them talk or not. And being the third group of the day to present was not good. People get bored, especially since we had a quiz about the readings and basically, they know everything they already need to know. It was just a waste of time.

And I wanted to stargaze but I couldn’t cos it wasn’t quite safe where it was dark enough to see stars and it wasn’t dark enough, nor enough sky space where it was safe to stare at the sky. Irritated cos I really wanted to try and see the constellations we’ve been learning about in Astronomy.

Then choir. Today was exhausting. On one hand, I wish I could’ve skipped it. Gone out with the EL-ers and drink. On the other, I couldn’t have skipped cos I’m really so far behind. They had auditions during the sectionals. I had to sing a section of Requiem and Little Birds. Little Birds went ok but Requiem… I’m really disappointed with myself. It didn’t help that that part I was asked to sing was just the bit that was a little out of my range. So my voice started warbling and shaking and… like I said, I was very ashamed of myself. I’m supposed to be the most senior of them all and I don’t understand why, after all these years, I still can’t rely on my voice to stay good when I need it to be. Nelson came down and did combined for the first half songs. It was ok. Still don’t know how the hell I’m going to memorise it all by next week. After Nelson left, we all got scolding from Nad about discipline and what have you. And we had to stay till 10 to finish the auditions, regardless if you’d already been auditioned or not. After that, they had us all go outside and sing birthday song for someone. I’m not in a reasonable mood at the moment. Choir was supposed to officially end at 9.30pm. That’s what I signed up for. I allow that when we’re in a fix like we are now, it’s ok to extend until 10pm. But like just now, it went all the way till 10.30pm with no sign of stopping – I just walked away, the rest of them were still playing and hanging around – that’s just too much. For the record, this is my blog and I’ll be as unreasonable and selfish as I like on it. Just because you may live in and around the school doesn’t mean everyone else does. Just because you can afford to take a cab or drive doesn’t mean everyone else can. Just because you don’t have class the next day doesn’t mean other people don’t have too. Just because you can get by with 3 hours of sleep per night doesn’t mean everyone else can. I know the choir folks are trying to be nice but there has to be a limit. Some people have to worry about catching the last bus home, worry about an early morning class, worry about not having eaten dinner. I don’t mind staying back to perfect the singing. But there was nothing of the sort. The singing finished at 9.40pm and the rest of the time was wasted waiting for the auditions to finish and then for this asinine thing. I’m sorry SH, it’s not your fault, and Happy Birthday (if you’re reading this).

So I rushed off and caught the 10.30pm bus back. The last time I caught that late bus was 2 years ago when I was still in the choir committee and having to stay back for meetings and all. At least the bus was empty so I had a seat to myself. Which was good cos I was balancing my heavy bag (yet another cause of annoyance. There’s really nothing in it that explains why it’s so heavy), my file and my laptop. There wasn’t much to complain about the 151 really. It was really fast and I reached Macpherson a while before 11pm. It was the bus back into the estate that pissed me royally. From a distance, I thought it was full cos it looked like there were people all squished up front and I resigned myself to having to do acrobatics to keep my balance and keep my laptop from crashing to the floor. But as the bus pulled up the bus stop, I was royally pissed to see that the congestion in the bus was in the first quarter of the bus. The remaining 3/4 of the bus was fucking empty! Omg. I wish I was the type that doesn’t feel shy about showing her feelings. I was so tempted to yell “Move the hell in!!!!” Not that it would have made a difference I think. It was some Indian foreign worker and some China looking girl with a huge suitcase blocking the aisle. Anyway, I managed to push my way in but the other guy who had boarded the bus with me was left standing on the steps. Omg. Can’t the bus driver do something? He’s the one with the legitimate authority to order people to move in. And it was OBVIOUS that people really needed to move in. I know he knew about it. I saw him surveying the situation. What kind of thing is this? Even if it’s late and he wants to get moving soon, it’s still his job isn’t it? Even if it’s not explicitly stated in his job description, doesn’t he think it’s only right to ask people to move in, especially when there’s plenty of room and means that someone standing on the steps might have some place solid to hang on to when the bus moves? Don’t know what the bus company does with the money we pay them. Service gets worse and worse each day.

And I’ve been feeling rather left out the last few weeks. Not that I didn’t have a hand in it myself. But for when someone agrees to something then behind my back does something else and I find out, and it excluded me when they orignally agreed to include me… I’d say never mind but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to think about it. To be excluded because I’m not one of the ‘in’ crowd. I don’t dress in fashion, I’m not top honours student, I’m not witty or clever, I don’t drink or hang out in clubs. It’s upsetting to know that maybe because I always turn down the invitations, they don’t bother to include me anymore. I mean, you know, I may say no, but it’s always nice to just ask. Makes me feel less unwanted in a way.

I’m stressed out and it’s not even the time of the semester when stress starts kicking in yet. Now if you’d excuse me, I’m off to go cry myself to sleep and count the hours till I have to make myself wake up and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

Now if there's a smile on my face
It's only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that's quite a different subject
But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Really I'm sad, oh I'm sadder than sad
You're gone and I'm hurtin' so bad
Like a clown I pretend to be glad

Now there's some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown, when there's no one around
Uh hum, oh yeah baby

Now if I appear to be carefree
It's only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don't let my show convince you
That I've been happy since you
Decided to go, oh I need you so
I'm hurt and I want you to know
But for others I put on a show, ooh yeah

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the public eye
But in my lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there's no one around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there's a smile on my face
Don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don't let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don't care
When really I'm sad…I’m hurting so bad…