i think i'm getting weirder and weirder by the day. and not in a good way either. probably it's the lack of a firm goal in mind in life. anyway, i keep freaking myself out with the thoughts about life and how unknown life can be. and about death, and how unknown and horribly final death is. and i scare myself real good when i think about that, especially when i think about how what's been done can never be gone back and redone. for eg, today is gone forever and can never come back. and i find myself thinking about childhood back at 124, primary school days and really wishing that i could go back to that time but knowing that i can't. and i freak myself out. it gets especially bad at night, especially when i close up my windows and all…enclosing myself into my room in the dark. i saw the trailer for Jericho (that show that Clay's been going all bonkers about) and it scared me, well, the way that…well, it's a post-apocalyptic world and these people in the small town are the only people left alive after a nuclear holocaust. or well, the zombie movie i watched YEARS ago, it still gets to me. or AI – Artificial Intelligence, when David wakes up a milennium later and finds that he's the only one of his kind left and the way the other robots brought his mother back to life, but only for that one day, after that she'll die and be gone forever. yesterday i was just reading a book about clones whose sole purpose in life is to provide organs for humans, but at the same time, they are human too and fighting hopelessly against their destiny. i could go on with the examples but what's the point? it scares me. that one day, i'll be all alone. and that scares me. as in, really really alone. and that i don't feel like i have control over the path my life is taking. i feel so hopeless and aimless. the future is such a scary monster that i don't know how to handle. do other people feel that way too? please tell me. you don't have to tell the world here on my blog, but just tell me, so i know i'm not going out of my mind.

anyway, i got a question. i've been blogging for a few years now, and i've been pondering the question of whether it would be of any use to save and print out my blog entries in hard copy. what do you think? on one hand, i'm always paranoid that the server will crash and all my blog entries will be gone forever and ever and knowing my absent mindedness, in a few years, i won't remember anymore. on the other hand, as i said above, i'm scared of holding onto the past cos i can't ever go back to it. is it some kind of suicidal tendency that people start to want to consolidate their lives and remember?

so, the question:
should i save my blog entries? yes or no?

maybe i should just find myself a boyfriend that i can pull out of my dreams to hold me and scare away the heebie jeebies.